The Thirteen Fridays

It was the 13th Friday in a row and victims were sick of the hockey masquerades-slash-slashfests, the sheer badluckcliffs and the slipping on black catskins.

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Letters of protest sent to the Ministry of Time were purloined. Phonecalls were made but the handsets turned into lobsters and snipped off ears.

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The Ministry finally announced that the run of Fridays was caused by sunsprat shoals, and victims should increase their Sprat Factor to 13.

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Victims pointed out anything over Sprat Factor 11 caused your face to melt and your eyes to migrate to the top of your head like flatfish.

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The Ministry of Masks undertook to issue their famous face wax, which replaces victims’ original faces with those of historical figures.

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However, due to the ectospasmodic effect of a sunsprat megashoal the size of Mercury, the wax took on the features of famous murder victims.

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When Saturday finally arrived, the airports were full of exhausted serial killers heading out to abduct a few day’s R&R on Murder Island.

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Avian Lactation

Is it time yet to talk about avian lactation? Our reporters lift the lid on the latest displacement crisis to hit Chimerica: crop milk!
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Crop milk is outed as a major ingredient in deadly Future Juice, Chimeric Times reporters reveal in this avian lactation exclusive!

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Disturbed time-travelling teenage squabs discovered in Dark Cages. They could be from any historical period. 

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A spokesthing from the Ministry of Time said earlier, ‘That’s the thing about pigeons – if they came from the future, how would we know?’

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The Crop Milk Scandal is spreading: reports are coming in that penguins and flamingos may also be involved! 

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Officials at the Kryptozoo, where the elephant prawns are fed on an exclusive diet of fresh flamingo, assure us there’s no contamination.

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Meanwhile at the Temple of the Angry Penguin God, worshippers have assembled in a tightly packed circle in the nave, and are slowly rotating

A Timeless Interregnum (feat. Sea Mammoths)

The Ministry of Time has announced the end of Chimeric Summer Time. As ever, before Winter Time begins, there will be a Timeless Interregnum.

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During the Timeless Interregnum, which can have no duration, citizens are warned: although nothing can happen, absolutely anything could occur.

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For this year’s Timeless Interregnum, it looks as though Sea Mammoths have launched their traditional invasion on the eastern beaches.


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Please be aware, although the Sea Mammoth invasion is always popular with tourists, they will stomp on your brains and eat you if approached.

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They may look like normal elephants, but millennia beneath the waves have caused these mammoths to lose their hair and develop Wrinkly Trunk.

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Wrinkly Trunk is a maddening condition which can only be relieved by bashing people on the head with mallets then stomping on their brains.

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Fortunately, as soon as Winter Time is declared, as in the last Chimeric Ice Age, the cold will drive the Sea Mammoths back into the depths

The Wasp-Duck Illusion

A misunderstanding regarding ‘les droits des ducs‘ means nobles have been fucking ducks for years, leading to the phrase ‘Lord fuck a duck’.

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Duck-fucking remains popular with the gentry due to their tiny genitalia, caused by centuries of inbreeding, and is one cause of platypuses.

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It remains unclear why in the early 18th century the Needledick-Bugfücker dynasty pronounced itself utterly opposed to les droits des ducs.

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This was around the time of the Plague of Human-Headed Wasps which caused misery and destruction across Chimerica chewing things and gossiping.

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Everyone remembers the high-pitched, whiny voices of the Human-Headed Wasps, even people who weren’t born at the time, or were already dead.

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Apparently the exact note struck by their irritating little thoraxes could pierce time itself, driving people mad centuries before and since.

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The Ministry of Time, established after &/or before the Chimerican Revolution, had to make time a millisecond thicker to cope with all those wasps.

Future Juice

1 Daft Days

‘This is a Ministry Of Time announcement: welcome to the Daft Days between Chimeramas and Hogmania. Please be aware the Daft Days may last several decades.’
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It is estimated that the amount of Future Juice consumed in the Northern Territories during the Daft Days could permanently destabilise Time.

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Mmm, delicious Future Juice, proven to cure historicitis in nine out of ten time travellers!

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‘Every year, following Hogmania, it takes longer for the clocks to start up, as though Time itself is hungover,’ says a Ministry spokesthing.

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Ministry officials, such as The Keeper of the Magnetic Key, have woken up hundreds of years away, and have had to be retrieved at public expense.

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Without the Key, which is attuned to Magnetic Northern Time, no clocks in the Territories know in which direction to tick, with dire consequences.

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Those of us who, like members of Hawkwind, have got stuck travelling ‘sideways through time’, understand the importance of Magnetic Northern Time.

2 Time Grooves

Future Juice is distilled from clepsydrae recovered by xenochronicitous drunkelews: droplets from the time grooves have strange properties.

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Attempts to make Future Juice in grandfather clocks have driven ‘Juiceleggers’ mad: Big Bill Backwards once ended up with sixty distinct eyeballs.

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‘I could see ma future n past n all their variations at one n the same time,’ Big Bill explained. ‘Jest for once, everythin made nonsense.’

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‘Course, when the Juice wore off, I’d no idea which eyeballs I was left. Been a bone a contention between me n the “Real Deal” ever since.’

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Attempts by the Ministry of Time to regulate Future Juice’s potency seem doomed: 8-25yrs is fairly dependable, but not in which direction…

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Certain Tasters are able to hop great distances into the future by careful blending, but return to the correct present is rare.

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Nonetheless, the Ministry is prepared to accept a degree of ‘natural wastage’ for the insights retrieved by true adepts.

The 25 Days of Chimeramas

Hey Mutant Kids! Chimeramas is coming, when we throw open the doors of the invisible houses and release the voices within. Maybe one is yours!

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Write your letters to Insanta via the Ministry of Verification: the Ministry knows if you’ve just been naughty or could be reclassified as evil.

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Kids, Chimeramas is not just about giving up, it’s also about taking out: if there’s someone you haven’t assassinated yet, now’s the time!

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Doc Moreau and I are working hard to get all the Horse Daleks ready for Chimeramas – as ever, no. 1 on the little mutant princess wishlist!

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Remember, kids, thanks to your 2015 Necromantic Taxidermy Manual Annual n Spellbook, a puppy needn’t just be for life!

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As Chimeramas looms larger, Doc Moreau will show you how to make delightful wriggling decorations using easily-trapped robins and sausages.

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As the traditional cries for help arrive from far-flung Chimeric starships, we’re editing them into a lovely carol service.

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The Chimeramas morning Arthropod Concert will be broadcast this year from Mars and will of course feature the Invasion Waltz.

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The Empress of the Cabbage People has agreed the traditional Breaking of the Ceasefire between our peoples will go ahead on Chimeramas Day!

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Therefore, the Ministry of Death regretfully announce that, ‘…for the 23 hours of Chimeramas, Chimerica will be at war. War!’

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Our glorious troops will be relieved to rush back to the front for Chimeramas Day, and take up this long, pointless war where they left off!

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Our enemy’s top brassica complain about only getting 23 hours of fighting, but, until the Ministry of Time locate that lost daylight hour…

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This Chimeramas, tuck into a plate of roasted ectoplasm at everyone’s favourite restaurant, The Happy Séance – still taking bookings!

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On the 70th day of Chimeramas the turkey carcasses got up and started walking round. It didn’t look like they knew where they were going.

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On the 300-&-90-tenth day of Chimeramas the forks attacked us in an unprovoked act of aggression. The spoons, as always, remained neutral.

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On the 13th day of Chimeramas the Ministry of Time announced Chimeramas would continue into the foreseeable and possibly fiveseeable future.

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On the 70-many-eth day of Chimeramas Pope Hulk will deliver his Arbi et Orbi address from an arbitrary point on the M25 Orbital…

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As ever, Pope Hulk will be alone, half-naked, shouty, and wearing the Papal Turkey. This year’s theme: ‘Forgiving the Shorts of Others’.

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You know it’s Chimeramas when Dead Soup dribbles out of the 100ft tall slender grey chimneys of The Happy Séance! Birds faint and fall.

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Only-for-Chimeramas puppies available from Doc’s Labrador Lab: guaranteed to explode on Boxer Day. Blast containment boxes sold separately.

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You know it’s Chimeramas when the candleworms stretch their little bodies towards the Moon and all their heads burst into flame at the same moment.

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It was the Night Before Chimeramas, and all through Frankenmaus not an organ was stirring, far less a pulse.

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The Ministry of Time has just announced that the Night Before Chimeramas will last for one thousand years. Darkness level: all-encompassing.

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This is in line with last year’s reduction to 1001 years and will permit The Insanta to visit everyone as contracted ‘in one night’.

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The Insanta clacked its lobster claws, and that voice composed of bubbles and squeaks came out of the gloom, ‘Verification, please…’