The Adventures of Doc Moreau and I, 15: Ringo and the Dormobeetle 

Doc Moreau would like to announce that, after reaching an agreement with Ringo, plans for his new Dormobeetle are finally going ahead!

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Imagine: a giant black Beetle you can sleep in as it crawls around in the dark, lulled to golden slumbers by the music of The Beatles!

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Doc Moreau reassures us that Ringo definitely agreed to all this after an extended drinking session saying, ‘I’ll get the lads on side.’

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This agreement (and the extended drinking session) either proceeded or followed his failed attempt to attach Ringo’s head to a brontosaurus.

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Doc Moreau says, ‘Give me a day or two for the precise legally binding memories to come back to me. In the meantime, prime the giant beetles!’

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To manufacture the Dormobeetle, Doc Moreau has to deploy the radioactive substance ‘Kafkanium’, extracted from the excreta of wild Kafkas.

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Wild Kafkas are notoriously shy and difficult authors to track and trap, and even then can be extraordinarily retentive of their excreta.

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‘The last one didn’t do a crap for seven years,’ Doc Moreau reminisces, ‘then finally he says, “You have captured me for no reason,” and poops.’

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The excreta is dry and firm to the touch. It has no detectable odour and resembles a thick biscuit. Sometimes it has ‘Ecto’ embossed on top.

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Hundreds of distillations containing Kafkanium can be extracted from a single ‘Ecto-Biscuit’, triggering the growth cycle of the beetles.

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‘Sometimes, before I start pimping up the beetle with speakers,’ Doc Moreau confesses, ‘I have me a little nibble of that Ecto-Biscuit!’

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It’s not clear what effects the ingestion of Kafkanium may have on the human body. But delusional states and random chitin growth are likely.

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What Doc Moreau dismisses as ‘pimp surgery’ is actually a complex procedure creating a luxury sleeping cavity in the giant beetle’s abdomen.

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‘This is gonna be better than that time we put bathyscapes in cows!’ enthuses Doc Moreau. ‘Tomorrow never knows how many we’re gonna shift!’

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The Adventures of Doc Moreau & I, 13: Doc Moreau and the Ecto-Cheese

 

Modern Ecto-Cheese Production Methods (an artist’s impression)

 
Ecto-cheese has the potential to fuel our homes for millennia, especially when everyone is long dead and the houses completely demolished.
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Ecto-cheese is clean energy generated by milking ghosts and then asking very large beetles to somehow form the ecto-cheese curds. For money.

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As history progresses and more of humanity ‘passes’, ghost milk potential reaches a tipping point, but we really need really large beetles.

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If we can’t breed beetles the size of dormobiles by 1973, then humanity is doomed and all we can do is go round smashing wasps with hammers.

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Doc Moreau and I have discovered a radical new treatment that will increase Ringo’s body mass to that of a brontosaurus and thus save us all.

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Doc Moreau would like to reassure fans Ringo will still be able to play drums while fabricating ecto-cheese, we’ll just need very big drums.

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There is no truth to the rumour that ecto-cheese can be used in the manufacture of ‘phantom’ Cheese Robots conventional weapons cannot stop.