Colossal Guitar

A colossal guitar has been found floating in the Chimeric Sea. It is estimated as being twice as long as the largest supertanker.

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Doc Moreau is attempting to identify what type and size of tree could possibly furnish the wood necessary to construct such a mega-instrument.

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‘The scale of the panelling on the colossal guitar goes beyond known timber nomenclatures. We’re talking infra-redwood here.’

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‘We’re concerned that someone has been slicing chunks off Yggdrasil,’ the Doc added. ‘We had enough trouble with that giant squirrel.’

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Regular readers will remember that during the last Squirrel Apocalypse Super Ratatosk was taken out by a buzzsaw that encircled the planet.

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The strings are a bit of a puzzle too: a somewhat grisly one, according to the Doc, as they are hundreds of metres long, and definitely not nylon.

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‘Could the strings be whale intestines?’

‘Some of them. Others may be old trans-oceanic telegraph cables. The lower E appears to be hollow.’

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‘My assistant is exploring the E-string on a motorcycle. If it is passable, he’ll be a few days, but he has breathing apparatus and hardtack.’

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‘Who – or what – could have played an instrument like this?’

‘We’re assuming monsters, but actually in a heavy enough storm it plays by itself.’

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Songs for a colossal at-sea guitar, side 1: ‘Oak on the Water’; ‘The Sloop John Behemoth’; ‘It’s Raining Sharks’; ‘Yellow Sub-Aquatic Megalopolis’.

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Songs for a colossal at-sea guitar, side 2: ‘Don’t Fear the Neap-Tide’; ‘While My Reactor Gently Leaks’; ‘River Deep, Mariana Trench Deeper’.

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‘After three days, we received this report from the mid-point of the hollow E-string: “Passage clagged with shells and mud, had to abandon bike.”‘

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“Interior of E-string carved with intricate markings. At first I thought they were sea-scorpion trails, then I realised they were notation.”

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“The string is a series of furnished rooms, each opening onto each other. Some kind of crew lived here, inscribing tunes on the walls.”

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“Transit between the chambers of the E-string appears to have been by pneumatic tube. I’ve photoed the shattered remnants of this inner tube…”

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“This morning I found one of the containers which would’ve shuttled back and forth along the string. Much larger than a man. Trying to open it…”

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“Oh God, that I had never found the clasp that unlocked this…this sarcophagus! The thing inside, as though asleep, like a giant insect!”

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“As soon as I opened it, this distant music…can’t you hear it? As though falling from the stars. Closing the lid mutes it enough to think…”

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“Terrible night. By cramming my ears with rags I drowned out the insane tunes. Dreams of jigging in mud; a voice commanding me, ‘Transcribe!’.”

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“Knew I shouldn’t, but was possessed by the notion the…cadaver was moving. As soon as I opened the lid, the music got worse, deafening!”

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‘I know now why the inner walls of the E-string are covered in manic scribblings. There is an incomplete symphony here, a music of madness!’

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“I have to reach the other end before it takes me over too. The uncanny resonance of the E-string means it grows louder the farther I flee!”

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“I wake in the night – or is it day? – with my fingertips bleeding, having spent hours transcribing in my sleep. How many days? How far to go?”‘

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