The Election of Orange Hulk

Latest news: even tho Orange Hulk was elected and really rules Chimerica, Orange Hulk was not in fact elected and does not rule Chimerica.
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Following his first week in office, Chimerica has been declared simultaneously real and unreal. Unfortunately, Orange Hulk doesn’t care.

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‘Orange Hulk biglier than real thing!’ the president said today, altho Science has in fact proven him to be smaller than a little white lie.

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Citizens of Chimerica, plunged in existential bewilderment as to how they can simultaneously exist and not exist, have appealed to Pope Hulk.

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Unfortunately, Pope Hulk is on a papal fishing trip to an unidentified moon & left only this message, ‘Pope Hulk not come back FOR YEARS!’

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Many citizens have sought sanctuary in the Temple of the Angry Penguin God, whose priests say It does indeed appear to be ‘really angry’.

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People are asking openly in the streets, ‘Didn’t we use to have a queen or something that could save us or at least eat our heads?

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Secretes of The Moths: an Epistolary Novel (Part 1)

Dear Pope Hulk, Wheare is the Moon?

Yours, Thee Moths

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Wee looked al night and we could knot see becoss of clowd & windo & curtanes & smol moons that wer later proved to be blubs.

The Möths

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One off our nombre has swalowde a pebbl he claims cam frae Demosthenes and now cannot fly. Is it a pebbl truly or The Moon?

The Moths

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One of oure nomber (thee one that swalwod the peble) will not stoap talkin. May we eet him?

TheMoths

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Deer Pope HuLk, plees disruggard our last as it was not a pebbl it was a blubb & one off our numbre hass explodode & is sindrs.

The moths

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In discusione it was moted that True Dmosthene’s Pebbl might be The Moone. Therefore we arr writng seeking clarfication whear it is?

The Moths

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Oslo, if w eet The Moone, will it causs much eloquentz like one off oure numbre becoss that was too longe & only a Blub?

The Mothss

The Miracles of Saint Wiwiya

Once, a child approached Saint Wiwiya saying, ‘Sister, I am hungry.’ And Saint Wiwiya sighed, and gave her a bag of sugared caterpillars.

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As the seasons turned, Saint Wiwiya would go lie in the forest and her stigmata would shine in the dark. She had loads more than Jesus.

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Little white moths would come and rest in great numbers on her wounds, and Saint Wiwiya would gaze into the astounded eye of the Moon.

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Once, when the goat kicked over the milk jug, Saint Wiwiya caused the milk to levitate in the form of a white heart, then turn to cheese.

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Once a noble prince gave Saint Wiwiya a lily, so she started growing a long white beard and couldn’t stop. It was five miles long by the end.

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The prince was not at all dismayed, saying, ‘If Wiwiya must be Claus, I shall be her elf.’ He was immediately strangled by a passing bear.

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Saint Wiwiya kissed the bear in gratitude whereupon all its fur turned white, causing it to retreat from society to the North or South Pole.

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When Saint Wiwiya was a child, a unicorn came and lay its head in her lap, whereupon she broke off its horn, and lo! it was white chocolate!

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There was a particular white hind who would come and stand in the door of Saint Wiwiya’s room, compelling her to climb in and out the window.

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One day the Virgin Mary appeared in Saint Wiwya’s room and gave the white hind a kick up the behind. ‘That’s been pissing me off,’ she said.

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Once a barrel of brandy fell from a wagon, blocking the stream. Saint Wiwiya whistled and a narwhal pierced the barrel, then got very drunk.

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Once when Pope Hulk desired condiments, Saint Wiwiya tapped her psalter and, lo! salt flowed from it. Then she thumped her breviary for pepper.

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Pope Hulk was most astonished, and smashed the place up. As he leapt through the rose window, Saint Wiwiya remarked on his compassionate eyes.

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They say, when Saint Wiwiya was dying, her flesh became translucent, and her bones began to glow so brightly that the priest wore shades.

The 25 Days of Chimeramas

Hey Mutant Kids! Chimeramas is coming, when we throw open the doors of the invisible houses and release the voices within. Maybe one is yours!

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Write your letters to Insanta via the Ministry of Verification: the Ministry knows if you’ve just been naughty or could be reclassified as evil.

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Kids, Chimeramas is not just about giving up, it’s also about taking out: if there’s someone you haven’t assassinated yet, now’s the time!

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Doc Moreau and I are working hard to get all the Horse Daleks ready for Chimeramas – as ever, no. 1 on the little mutant princess wishlist!

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Remember, kids, thanks to your 2015 Necromantic Taxidermy Manual Annual n Spellbook, a puppy needn’t just be for life!

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As Chimeramas looms larger, Doc Moreau will show you how to make delightful wriggling decorations using easily-trapped robins and sausages.

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As the traditional cries for help arrive from far-flung Chimeric starships, we’re editing them into a lovely carol service.

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The Chimeramas morning Arthropod Concert will be broadcast this year from Mars and will of course feature the Invasion Waltz.

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The Empress of the Cabbage People has agreed the traditional Breaking of the Ceasefire between our peoples will go ahead on Chimeramas Day!

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Therefore, the Ministry of Death regretfully announce that, ‘…for the 23 hours of Chimeramas, Chimerica will be at war. War!’

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Our glorious troops will be relieved to rush back to the front for Chimeramas Day, and take up this long, pointless war where they left off!

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Our enemy’s top brassica complain about only getting 23 hours of fighting, but, until the Ministry of Time locate that lost daylight hour…

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This Chimeramas, tuck into a plate of roasted ectoplasm at everyone’s favourite restaurant, The Happy Séance – still taking bookings!

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On the 70th day of Chimeramas the turkey carcasses got up and started walking round. It didn’t look like they knew where they were going.

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On the 300-&-90-tenth day of Chimeramas the forks attacked us in an unprovoked act of aggression. The spoons, as always, remained neutral.

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On the 13th day of Chimeramas the Ministry of Time announced Chimeramas would continue into the foreseeable and possibly fiveseeable future.

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On the 70-many-eth day of Chimeramas Pope Hulk will deliver his Arbi et Orbi address from an arbitrary point on the M25 Orbital…

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As ever, Pope Hulk will be alone, half-naked, shouty, and wearing the Papal Turkey. This year’s theme: ‘Forgiving the Shorts of Others’.

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You know it’s Chimeramas when Dead Soup dribbles out of the 100ft tall slender grey chimneys of The Happy Séance! Birds faint and fall.

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Only-for-Chimeramas puppies available from Doc’s Labrador Lab: guaranteed to explode on Boxer Day. Blast containment boxes sold separately.

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You know it’s Chimeramas when the candleworms stretch their little bodies towards the Moon and all their heads burst into flame at the same moment.

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It was the Night Before Chimeramas, and all through Frankenmaus not an organ was stirring, far less a pulse.

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The Ministry of Time has just announced that the Night Before Chimeramas will last for one thousand years. Darkness level: all-encompassing.

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This is in line with last year’s reduction to 1001 years and will permit The Insanta to visit everyone as contracted ‘in one night’.

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The Insanta clacked its lobster claws, and that voice composed of bubbles and squeaks came out of the gloom, ‘Verification, please…’

Moon News

Moon mastodon

Moon mastodon on a surfboard (with optional pointy Georgian gent)

The Moonitaur reports he often sees Sting and the ghost of Michael Jackson walking on the Moon. But he hides behind modules till they’re gone.

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Sting is writing an illustrated book called ‘Walks in the Moon District with Sting’, but the ghost of Michael Jackson says Sting can’t draw.

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Sting says, ‘Giant crayons are what you take, when drawing on the Moon,’ but the ghost of Michael Jackson says that’s rubbish.

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In other Moon news, the Moonitaur says his moon brassicas are doing well this year because the Moon Cicadas are sleeping beneath the moondust.

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The Moonitaur has been following vast herds of moon mastodon as they migrate from the dark side of the Moon to the Sea of Mass Extinction.

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There the moon mastodon drink thirstily from the tears of the interstellar dead, drawn from their eye sockets by the Moon’s emotional pull.

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As the moon mastodon consist only of fossil bones, dead tears pour through them, forming a stream as they proceed to the Mountains of Madness.

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The Moonitaur lies by the River of Interstellar Tears and listens to it weep, to the receding thump of mastodon feet, and to the creak of their bones.

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The Moonitaur has been on the Moon so long he can’t remember which Moon it is: the Moon in the sky or the Moon buried deep within the Earth?

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The stars above, even the Earth itself, as it goes through its cycles from new to full, could be the work of the creator of the Lunar Labyrinth…

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The Moonitaur often wonders if the moon’s creatures – skeletal herds and insect hoppers – are in actuality automata created to beguile him.

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Many times he’s been tempted to call Pope Hulk for counsel on the moon barnacle-encrusted Pope Phone, but he fears being overheard by Sting.

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Sting famously has detachable grey cauliflower ears, which crawl over the lunar landscape, throbbing obscenely & listening out for Moon news.

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Finally, the Moonitaur decides that he must go on pilgrimage to Yùtù, the Jade Rabbit, for answers to all his yearnings, and gardening tips…

Pope Hulk III: Papa della Luna (incorporating An Account of the Seven Lunar Seas)

Rick-Wakeman-As-Glow-Worm

Prologue (intoned by Rick Wakeman)

‘There is another Moon, perfect and uncratered. But it is inside the Earth.’

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Pope Hulk & Minotaur gone fishin on Big Lake in Centre of Moon. Everything be calm. Moon piranha taste good! BBQ burn boat, tho…

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Pope Hulk & Minotaur rescued by Giant Big Lake Moon Snail. It sail seven lakes seventy-many years. Tell tall snail tales: Pope Hulk sleepy!

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Pope Hulk & Minotaur find Moon Labyrinth in shell of Giant Big Lake Moon Snail: Minotaur say he Moonitaur now! Pope Hulk Pope of the Moon!

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What the Giant Moon Sea Snail told Pope Hulk and the Moonitaur: the Moon at the Centre of the Earth has seven seas, one inside the other.

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The seven seas are composed of the following: flinders, fog, foam, beer, tea, soup, and, at the core, molten green cheese.

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The Flinder Sea is composed of fine-milled moondust, lightdruff drifted down through mineshafts, and ash from underground barbecues.

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The Fog Sea is composed of: sea-haar & -fret, urban pea-soupers (there are seven ports somewhere within), and troughs of morning mist.

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The Foam Sea is composed of: spittle off poisoned men’s lips, cat-vom, cheffy emulsions, the Cappucino Layer, and beer froth.

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The Beer Sea has a lager top, a refreshing hoppy real ale layer, a stale gassy region (Leatherspooner Wake), and the Guinness Trench.

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The Tea Sea is composed of: green tea spume, near-solid builder’s with eighteen sugars to the gallon, and U-teapots amid the sunken leaves.

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Light passes thru the upper consommé of the Soup Sea, it is otherwise densely Pea & Ham; mock turtles school down in the Borscht.

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The Molten Cheese Sea is a boiling fondue globe at the centre of the Moon. Few vessels have returned, and we ate those which did.

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Pope Hulk and Moonitaur have Monday lunch with Rick Wakeman. Every day like Monday at centre of Moon. Dine on seven roast members of Yes.

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Rick Wakeman like glowy worm in spangle cape: make piping hot organ of all volcanos. He say climb in & he play BARP & blast Pope Hulk free!

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Moonitaur no leave Centre of Moon. Rick Wakeman send seven roast members of Yes every seven years: got plenty. Pope Hulk say byebyes… sad BARP!

Pope Hulk II (Shouty)

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(Portrait of Pope Hulk II by Tim Turnbull)

POPE HULK BEEN SHOUTING IN CATACOMBS AT SEVENTY-MANY SKULL PEOPLE. NO HEAR TOO GOOD NOW!

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POPE HULK FIND SPECIAL BREED OF CAT IN CATACOMBS. ONLY GOT SEVEN LIVES. CAT BONES MAKE GOOD COMBS. POPE HULK NEAT!

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WHAT MEAN POPE HULK STILL SHOUTING? POPE HULK GOT SAINT TINTINNITUS DANCE. POPE HULK RINGYDINGY!

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POPE HULK STILL STUCK IN SHOUTY CAT LABYRINTH! MEET MINOTAUR. HE LOST TOO. MINOTAUR MOO! POPE HULK SHOUT!

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MOON IN LABYRINTH TOO. SOLID WODGE. MINOTAUR SAY GO BACK, BUT POPE HULK SMASH MOON TUNNEL! POPE HULK SMASHING!

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POPE HULK FIND FOSSIL FUNGI IN CENTRE OF MOON. ALSO TRIBE OF MOON CICADAS. MINOTAUR EAT SEVENTY MANY. MOON CICADAS SAD BUT V LOUD!

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MINOTAUR SAY POPE HULK MAKE UP MOON CICADAS. NO SHOULD EAT FOSSIL FUNGI. BUT POPE HULK STILL HEAR MOON CICADAS SCREECH! BIG LAKE NEXT!