Kriegfart


‘Hang Out Your Robins On the Kriegfart Wall’ was a favourite marching song of the Chimeric legions.

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The Kriegfart, or ‘War of the Broken Wind’, one of Chimerica’s most devastating civil wars, was brought about by an incidence of flatulence.

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Several of Chimerica’s most devastating civil wars and/or natural disasters involve incidences of flatulence, but on a less intimate scale.

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When the Ambassador for Monster Island released a radioactive anal blast that poisoned half the Chimeric cabinet, war was tragically inevitable.

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King Stang’s eructation during a state dinner accidentally punched a hole in the space-time continuum, but that posed a more existential threat.

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What they actually fed the Moth People’s Emissary, causing a decade of diarrhoea and aerial bombardment, was the subject of many enquiries.

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The Kriegfart began with a follow-through by the Duke of Matted Further. The Chimeric Queen’s resulting witticism led to the war, the wall, the collateral damage …

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Flying Giant Death Ant Infestation

This just in from the Chimetereological Office: Flying Giant Death Ant infestation expected. Again.  
Last time the Giant Death Ants came we defrosted a Colossal Cyclopic Pangolin, but its furlong-long tongue just put a dent in their cloud.

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So Doc Moreau grafted a kraken head onto a genetically-modified mammoth, while I constructed a Mecha-Pango-Krako-Draculoth…

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Unfortunately, the Mecha-Pango-Krako-Draculoth was powered by blood, the only fuel source we had available at the time – sorry Butlins!

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That turned the tide, but of course they then had to fight each other (there was no dissuading them) and Tokyo got destroyed all over again.

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Barnacle Bill Backwards has been dumping Giant Death Ant corpses at sea for months, with little effect. Monster Island must take responsibility!

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This just in: Mecha-Pango-Krako-Draculoth has crashed into Chimeric Moonbase. Fortunately, it was only Chimeric Moonbase beta version, licensed to Butlins.

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Doc Moreau and I would like to apologise to Butlins for any inconvenience caused. We will of course help retrieve displaced holidaymakers.

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Our lawyers advise that this would also be a good time to apologise unreservedly to Butlins for that little mix-up with Cthulhu World.

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Just realised that when we referred to Butlins earlier we in fact meant Gutlins, the popular zombie holiday destination – sorry, Butlins!

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Such slips of the tongue are common when a zombie is trying to eat your brain, tho in this instance we were just being licked in the face.

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It’s astonishing how affectionate zombies become after a week at Gutlins, where they can be herded into a compound and pelted with entrails.

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Every year an astonishing number of testosterone-crazed oafs visit Gutlins for the famous festival of ‘Running with Zombies’ – few survive.

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Many entertainers got their first break working as Redcoats at Gutlins. Completely coated in arterial blood, they would sing for dear life.

The Adventures of Doc Moreau & I, 6: Monsterclass Summer School

Netsukulele Kaiju

Doc Moreau is to lead another intrepid party of gullible narcissists to Monster Island for Monsterclass Summer School. Sign up here!

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Have you always felt Tokyo should be destroyed using your radioactive fiery breath, but were unsure how? Sign up now for Monsterclass!

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Learn car-stomping with our expert tutors. Also how to bite tube trains on overground routes. Study with the best monsters we can capture!

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Disclaimer: Monsterclass Summer School traditionally has a high casualty rate and students may sometimes not be large enough to destroy Tokyo.

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Doc Moreau has an excellent record in snaring monsters and compelling them to be ‘tutors’, but there are no refunds for limb loss or no-shows.

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Master your own deafening n terrifying screech with Doc Moreau’s Trusty Throat Implants, guaranteed three months rust-free in tropical conditions!

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At the end of Monsterclass Summer School, we promise you our rental helicopter will spend at least an hour circling and looking for survivors.

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If, when Monsterclass Summer School is over, you find supernumerary limbs attached to your torso, we will remove them for a small fee.

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Hurry to the slimy basalt pier, carved with hideous glyphs, where Barnacle Bill Backward’s motor launch awaits to take you to Monster Island!