The Horizon Garden

(for Ian Thompson)

Incoherency Brown, Capability’s brother, was famed for inventing the Horizon Garden, which lopped everything off between you and the skyline.
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Trees, walls, flowers, buildings, livestock: everything between your property and the horizon was sliced off uniformly at eye level.

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Later, Incoherency Brown would think to plant ‘short things’ (shrubs) nearer the house, and ‘taller things’ (trees) farther away.

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Servants would be employed according to height; their movements and activities strictly confined to the appropriate distance from the house.

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At one point Brown had England’s most varied guillotine collection and its largest number of privately owned giraffe necks. Then he was arrested.

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While in prison, Incoherency Brown invented the ‘stooping roof’, a roof which could sit inside a house rendered roofless by a Horizon Garden.

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After his release, Brown would allow appropriately-heighted servants to bear a large shark’s fin purposively across a Horizon Garden.

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The Elsie & Nora Dialogues: Doc Moreau Origins Story, Part 2

‘I hear the veteran veterinarian took on a new partner.’

‘You can hear that?’

‘What’s more, this extra vet is a bit of an extrovert.’

‘Ouch.’

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‘His name is Dr Moreau, but he says to call him “Doc”.’

‘What’s up with that?’

‘His field is cryptozoics – what is that?’

‘It’s a mystery.’

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‘Dr Wells must be on his last legs now.’

‘Who would’ve thought donkeys’ legs would attach so well to a human frame?’

‘Good old Hunter Gatherer!’

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‘Did you see his assistant in the pantechnicon – I didn’t know those things were allowed to drive.’

‘Didn’t know they were able to drive…’

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‘That was more giraffe necks than I’ve seen in – forgive me – a long time.’

‘It’s not within my remit to absolve that sort of remark.’

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‘Tied together in bunches like that, giraffe necks look astonishingly like asparagus, don’t you think?’

‘If I could think, I wouldn’t be here.’

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‘There’s something reminiscent of the fasces about the way his assistant carries them.’

‘You mean it looks like an animal lictor?’

‘Argh.’

The Adventures of Doc Moreau & I, 11: The Great Escapist

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Doc Moreau has escaped from his holding cell yet again. This time he appears to have genetically modified a stag beetle into a skeleton key.

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Doc Moreau’s most poetic crime was when he trained stick insects and stonechats to break all the bones of a journalist he was suing for libel.

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Doc Moreau’s most ridiculous offence was stitching nine giraffe necks together so that he could check on his wife in their ninth floor apartment.

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Necky, the nine-neck-long giraffe, requires a fire engine ladder at full stretch to support his neck. But he can also put out fires by spitting.

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Doc Moreau is believed to have defrauded the Chimerican government of billions of drachmas with his cat/dog, or ‘cog’, power source.

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The idea that a cat/dog amalgam which chased itself could be a source of near-perpetual motion is laughable but at the time was widely admired.

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Rumours are coming in Doc Moreau’s threat to create the Midgard Serpent using a ‘king konga’ of conger eels may have been no idle boast.

The Kryptozoo

‘Octopoppa’s gonna take us to the Kryptozoo tomorrow, the Kryptozoo tomorrow, the Kryptozoo tomorrow…’

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Come see the cute pandaguin cub/chicks at the Kryptozoo! NB Our panda breeding stock is absolutely NOT fluffy dogs painted black & white.

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You’ll believe a penguin can eat bamboo/at the Kryptozoo!

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You’ll further believe a panda can breathe underwater/although you’ll only believe it for two minutes. Or slightly shorter.

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Beat up crocoducks with saucepans at the Kryptozoo! Just jump in the swamp and beat them up! They’ve got stupid beaks – they’re useless!

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Daily shows at the Kryptozoic Aquarium from the Pencil Narwhal! He’ll leap into the air, sketch your portrait, then crash through the canvas!

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Almost no impalements since last week! Catch the Pencil Narwhal while he’s in a good mood!

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It would appear, from all the threatening backwards messages it keeps scribbling on deftly flung dabs, that the Pencil Narwhal is ambidextrous.

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After finding over a hundred dabs graffitied with abusive messages had been flung thru the open bathroom window of his official bungalow…

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…the Kryptozookeeper was heard to mutter, ‘Will no-one rid me of this turbulent narwhal?’

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The Kryptozookeeper has announced the reinstatement of Taxidermy Tuesday: ‘Just buy Official Straw, and you can stuff any animal you like!’

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Mutant Kids can now throw fish at sheep in the Pelting Zoo Area. No-one knows which is which anyway: piscine, offspring, ovine – who cares!

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Our Kryptobiologists have tried to distinguish fish from sheep for years. ‘You just can’t be sure,’ Doc Moreau explains. ‘Thank God for oceans!’

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Free giraffe neck for every kid at the Kryptozoo! We’ll dip them in Kandy Floss if that helps – gots to get rid of these damn giraffe necks!

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‘…Octopoppa’s gonna take us to the Kryptozoo tomorrow – we’re gonna stay the rest of our unnatural lifespans!’

Football Hotel: Special Trepanning Offer!

Topless football commentating now available with Chimeric Vision. See your favourite inarticulate managers & retired players without shirts!

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For topless football commentating pinch your right nipple now!

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Would you like your takeaway delivered by a real linesman with a flag and everything? Squeeze your left nipple to order now!

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Please note: our linesmen cannot affect offside decisions made on live matches while they are delivering your takeaway.

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7 lucky subscribers will be selected to stay in Chimeric Vision’s Football Hotel – made out of a real football! Rooms lined with chest hair!

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Because Football Hotel is the same size as a football, Chimeric Vision will miniaturise subscribers to fit them in – or grind em up good…

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Chimeric Vision is investing in Subbuteoization for subscribers, players, and bare-chested commentators alike: football’s getting smaller!

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Please note: you cannot receive Chimeric Vision via TV, PC or tablet. Our technicians will come round and drill the correct holes in yr head.

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If you don’t want holes drilled in your head, you may be interested in our Giraffe Neck Aerial, where we drill holes in a dead giraffe’s head.

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Whatever, Chimeric Vision technicians are operating drills in your area, and absolutely will not stop till we’re plumb out of giraffe necks.

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If you ain’t seen football from the POV of a dead giraffe while miniaturised shirtless oafs pontificate in squeaks, you ain’t seen football!

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WARNING: the side effects of Chimeric Vision may include headaches, nausea, blurred images of Heaven &/or Hell, dry brain, and roosting bats.

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If you experience cerebral leakage, collect the Thought Soup in a glass: it will keep in the fridge for up to a week, and makes a tasty snack!

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Remember: you need a licence to watch sport on Chimeric Vision, even if it isn’t sport, just random images of demons grinding up beetles…

The Adventures of Doc Moreau & I, 8: Doc Moreau’s Lab Notes (Found in Gutter)

 

Top Secret beetle n giraffe

 

‘Giant beetles controlled by dog brains superglued to their headparts in clear plastic domes?’

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‘Need a fad to fund research… “See into other dimensions with Eyeball Pilates” – can we pitch that?’

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‘Once we programme the giant beetles we can send them via pneumatic tubes or, if at sea, flare guns’

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‘Check if we’re at sea (doesn’t matter if it’s metaphorically or subterranean; but can’t be lunar)…’

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‘Probably simpler if we can inject the trans-dimensional serum directly into the eyeball – harder sell, though.’

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‘Get a price for art nouveau plastics for the Steambeetle market: Dôme du Cerveau de la Daum – some crap like that…’

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‘Giraffe Neck surplus again – how about pop up periscope shop? ‘Long Nex R Us’ too cheesy? Stuffed GN with cheese?’

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‘Twofer breakthrough! So simple to rig up some head-to-head fibre optic cable, then inject the giraffe eyeballs instead!’

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‘Alas, we can send dog-brained beetles down inter-dimensional pneumatic pipelines till the headless cows come home, but NOTHING comes back!’