The Adventures of Doc Moreau and I, 15: Ringo and the Dormobeetle 

Doc Moreau would like to announce that, after reaching an agreement with Ringo, plans for his new Dormobeetle are finally going ahead!

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Imagine: a giant black Beetle you can sleep in as it crawls around in the dark, lulled to golden slumbers by the music of The Beatles!

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Doc Moreau reassures us that Ringo definitely agreed to all this after an extended drinking session saying, ‘I’ll get the lads on side.’

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This agreement (and the extended drinking session) either proceeded or followed his failed attempt to attach Ringo’s head to a brontosaurus.

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Doc Moreau says, ‘Give me a day or two for the precise legally binding memories to come back to me. In the meantime, prime the giant beetles!’

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To manufacture the Dormobeetle, Doc Moreau has to deploy the radioactive substance ‘Kafkanium’, extracted from the excreta of wild Kafkas.

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Wild Kafkas are notoriously shy and difficult authors to track and trap, and even then can be extraordinarily retentive of their excreta.

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‘The last one didn’t do a crap for seven years,’ Doc Moreau reminisces, ‘then finally he says, “You have captured me for no reason,” and poops.’

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The excreta is dry and firm to the touch. It has no detectable odour and resembles a thick biscuit. Sometimes it has ‘Ecto’ embossed on top.

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Hundreds of distillations containing Kafkanium can be extracted from a single ‘Ecto-Biscuit’, triggering the growth cycle of the beetles.

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‘Sometimes, before I start pimping up the beetle with speakers,’ Doc Moreau confesses, ‘I have me a little nibble of that Ecto-Biscuit!’

It’s not clear what effects the ingestion of Kafkanium may have on the human body. But delusional states and random chitin growth are likely.

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What Doc Moreau dismisses as ‘pimp surgery’ is actually a complex procedure creating a luxury sleeping cavity in the giant beetle’s abdomen.

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‘This is gonna be better than that time we put bathyscapes in cows!’ enthuses Doc Moreau. ‘Tomorrow never knows how many we’re gonna shift!’

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War for the Planet of the Magic Monkey Trees


The incoming Chimeric administration has promised to renew Chimerica’s infrastructure of Magic Monkey Trees overnight using ‘tragic beans’.
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Making Chimerica’s Magic Monkey Trees great again is going to need a lot of ‘tragic beans’, or, as experts call them, Radioactive Ape Turds.

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One thousand space monkeys who’ve been too near the sun then dosed up on ‘Doc Moreau’s Patented Hyper-Laxative’ are being released as we speak.

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If you see a singed interstellar singe (that’s French, Tish) taking an agonised noctilucent dump in your garden, Do Not Approach!

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The Magic Monkey Trees will begin growing almost immediately after the groaning, and should start cropping within days of the crapping.

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Each Magic Monkey Tree will look like an auracaria, but instead of cryptic crossword clues will continuously generate more and more monkeys.

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The monkeys though initially cute will rapidly multiply beyond our control and rip everyone limb from limb thus fulfilling our manifesto promise.

Annals of Chicken Horse Island, 1: The Vampire Squid Bell

The Vampire squid bell, tolling in the fathomless deeps of the Blood Sea

Every year a giant vampire squid is woven from wicker in an attempt to lure Doc Moreau to Chicken Horse Island and sacrifice him to the fire.
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As you approach the only navigable harbour on Chicken Horse Island from the sea, its horse-headed promontory is immediately identifiable…

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As you prepare to land your biplane or dirigible on Chicken Horse Island, the coastline’s resemblance to a chicken is obvious & distracting.

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It doesn’t help that as you try to steer your boat into harbour the entire population of Chicken Horse Island cluck n neigh upon the pier.

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Some are dressed as chickens, some as horses, some as a ragged amalgam of both. Many jab canes into the air with chicken heads on the ends.

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It doesn’t help that, as you try to land your plane, you suddenly realise that the runway is in the exact position of the chicken’s cloaca.

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Every year thousands of devotees cram onto Chicken Horse Island for the casting of a new Vampire Squid Bell, which is then thrown in the sea

Colossal Guitar

A colossal guitar has been found floating in the Chimeric Sea. It is estimated as being twice as long as the largest supertanker.

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Doc Moreau is attempting to identify what type and size of tree could possibly furnish the wood necessary to construct such a mega-instrument.

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‘The scale of the panelling on the colossal guitar goes beyond known timber nomenclatures. We’re talking infra-redwood here.’

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‘We’re concerned that someone has been slicing chunks off Yggdrasil,’ the Doc added. ‘We had enough trouble with that giant squirrel.’

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Regular readers will remember that during the last Squirrel Apocalypse Super Ratatosk was taken out by a buzzsaw that encircled the planet.

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The strings are a bit of a puzzle too: a somewhat grisly one, according to the Doc, as they are hundreds of metres long, and definitely not nylon.

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‘Could the strings be whale intestines?’

‘Some of them. Others may be old trans-oceanic telegraph cables. The lower E appears to be hollow.’

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‘My assistant is exploring the E-string on a motorcycle. If it is passable, he’ll be a few days, but he has breathing apparatus and hardtack.’

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‘Who – or what – could have played an instrument like this?’

‘We’re assuming monsters, but actually in a heavy enough storm it plays by itself.’

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Songs for a colossal at-sea guitar, side 1: ‘Oak on the Water’; ‘The Sloop John Behemoth’; ‘It’s Raining Sharks’; ‘Yellow Sub-Aquatic Megalopolis’.

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Songs for a colossal at-sea guitar, side 2: ‘Don’t Fear the Neap-Tide’; ‘While My Reactor Gently Leaks’; ‘River Deep, Mariana Trench Deeper’.

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‘After three days, we received this report from the mid-point of the hollow E-string: “Passage clagged with shells and mud, had to abandon bike.”‘

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“Interior of E-string carved with intricate markings. At first I thought they were sea-scorpion trails, then I realised they were notation.”

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“The string is a series of furnished rooms, each opening onto each other. Some kind of crew lived here, inscribing tunes on the walls.”

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“Transit between the chambers of the E-string appears to have been by pneumatic tube. I’ve photoed the shattered remnants of this inner tube…”

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“This morning I found one of the containers which would’ve shuttled back and forth along the string. Much larger than a man. Trying to open it…”

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“Oh God, that I had never found the clasp that unlocked this…this sarcophagus! The thing inside, as though asleep, like a giant insect!”

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“As soon as I opened it, this distant music…can’t you hear it? As though falling from the stars. Closing the lid mutes it enough to think…”

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“Terrible night. By cramming my ears with rags I drowned out the insane tunes. Dreams of jigging in mud; a voice commanding me, ‘Transcribe!’.”

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“Knew I shouldn’t, but was possessed by the notion the…cadaver was moving. As soon as I opened the lid, the music got worse, deafening!”

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‘I know now why the inner walls of the E-string are covered in manic scribblings. There is an incomplete symphony here, a music of madness!’

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“I have to reach the other end before it takes me over too. The uncanny resonance of the E-string means it grows louder the farther I flee!”

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“I wake in the night – or is it day? – with my fingertips bleeding, having spent hours transcribing in my sleep. How many days? How far to go?”‘

Do You Suffer from Uncanny Nocturnal Levitation?

Are you troubled by Uncanny Nocturnal Levitation while wearing your Self-Adhering Giant Hawkmoth Wings? Get your Organic Wing Anchors – and a good night’s sleep – here!

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Our Organic Self-Adhering Giant Hawkmoth Wing Anchors are manufactured from 100% Groanstone deposits.

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However, we cannot guarantee the factory in which the Groanstones are deposited have not been contaminated with sighs.

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Groanstone is formed as part of the digestive process of the Melancholy Worm. These worms grow to colossal sizes yet remain invisible.

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– Except, that is, to the highly developed sensory array of our adept Groanstone Extractors. These plucky few locate the cloacal flap and climb inside.

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Squeezing through the invisible intestinal tunnels, which can be miles in length, even the most experienced Groanstone Extractor may sigh.

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The Worms, however, are extraordinarily alert to minute amounts of negativity and the groanstone itself may become imperceptibly contaminated.

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However, in most circumstances, our Groanstone Anchors, cunningly fashioned into the shape of a gigantic wishbone, will function perfectly.

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Very occasionally, the original sigh may escape during Uncanny Nocturnal Levitation, itself a rare side-effect of wearing giant moth wings.

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If, as is incredibly unlikely, the Uncanny Nocturnal Levitation is caused by a psychological flaw in the moth, a chain reaction may begin.

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However, all our moths are raised in great Moon Wardrobes in ideal conditions for fluttering and laying eggs on astronauts’ old three-piece suits.

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The fact that our moths are actually on the Moon, the desired destination of their species for millions of years, causes Moth Euphoria.

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Of course, in a vanishingly small number of instances, Moth Euphoria can tip over into Lepidopteran Lunar Frenzy and this may infect the wings.

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But Doc Moreau has reassured us his technique of suddenly ripping the wings off the hawkmoths counters Lepidopteran Lunar Frenzy at source.

The Elsie & Nora Dialogues: Doc Moreau Origins Story, Part 2

‘I hear the veteran veterinarian took on a new partner.’

‘You can hear that?’

‘What’s more, this extra vet is a bit of an extrovert.’

‘Ouch.’

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‘His name is Dr Moreau, but he says to call him “Doc”.’

‘What’s up with that?’

‘His field is cryptozoics – what is that?’

‘It’s a mystery.’

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‘Dr Wells must be on his last legs now.’

‘Who would’ve thought donkeys’ legs would attach so well to a human frame?’

‘Good old Hunter Gatherer!’

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‘Did you see his assistant in the pantechnicon – I didn’t know those things were allowed to drive.’

‘Didn’t know they were able to drive…’

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‘That was more giraffe necks than I’ve seen in – forgive me – a long time.’

‘It’s not within my remit to absolve that sort of remark.’

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‘Tied together in bunches like that, giraffe necks look astonishingly like asparagus, don’t you think?’

‘If I could think, I wouldn’t be here.’

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‘There’s something reminiscent of the fasces about the way his assistant carries them.’

‘You mean it looks like an animal lictor?’

‘Argh.’

The Adventures of Doc Moreau & I, 13: Doc Moreau and the Ecto-Cheese

 

Modern Ecto-Cheese Production Methods (an artist’s impression)

 
Ecto-cheese has the potential to fuel our homes for millennia, especially when everyone is long dead and the houses completely demolished.
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Ecto-cheese is clean energy generated by milking ghosts and then asking very large beetles to somehow form the ecto-cheese curds. For money.

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As history progresses and more of humanity ‘passes’, ghost milk potential reaches a tipping point, but we really need really large beetles.

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If we can’t breed beetles the size of dormobiles by 1973, then humanity is doomed and all we can do is go round smashing wasps with hammers.

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Doc Moreau and I have discovered a radical new treatment that will increase Ringo’s body mass to that of a brontosaurus and thus save us all.

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Doc Moreau would like to reassure fans Ringo will still be able to play drums while fabricating ecto-cheese, we’ll just need very big drums.

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There is no truth to the rumour that ecto-cheese can be used in the manufacture of ‘phantom’ Cheese Robots conventional weapons cannot stop.