War Snails of the Chimeric Empire


Few sights are as stirring as the giant War Snails of the Chimeric legions wheeling into battle, usually months after the conflict is over.

*

At a diplomatic level, it can be problematic for colossal snails to lay waste to a nation with which a treaty was signed weeks previously.

*

Fortunately, most civilian populations and even military intelligence units gradually become aware of colossal armoured molluscs with cannons.

*

The War Snail strategy, of course, was to move so imperceptibly that opposing military units would completely forget about you until too late.

*

In practice, however, the enemy had time to remove everything of value from the territory concerned down to the level of individual plants.

*

The Counterstrategy to the Removal of Viable Targets from the Field of Combat was to send raiding parties to seize shrubs in mid-evacuation.

*

The War Snails were retired when the cost of maintaining them was set against the net worth of geraniums gained, most of which they ate.

Advertisements

Kriegfart


‘Hang Out Your Robins On the Kriegfart Wall’ was a favourite marching song of the Chimeric legions.

*

The Kriegfart, or ‘War of the Broken Wind’, one of Chimerica’s most devastating civil wars, was brought about by an incidence of flatulence.

*

Several of Chimerica’s most devastating civil wars and/or natural disasters involve incidences of flatulence, but on a less intimate scale.

*

When the Ambassador for Monster Island released a radioactive anal blast that poisoned half the Chimeric cabinet, war was tragically inevitable.

*

King Stang’s eructation during a state dinner accidentally punched a hole in the space-time continuum, but that posed a more existential threat.

*

What they actually fed the Moth People’s Emissary, causing a decade of diarrhoea and aerial bombardment, was the subject of many enquiries.

*

The Kriegfart began with a follow-through by the Duke of Matted Further. The Chimeric Queen’s resulting witticism led to the war, the wall, the collateral damage …

The Truth Machine

Every new president of Chimerica is given the Mammoth Bone Key to the Truth Machine. What is unprecedented is for Orange Hulk simply to swallow it.
*

While officials wait for the Key to, um, re-emerge, the Ministry for Verification has been put on a 26 hour Emergency Verification working day.

*

The Ministry for Correcting the Ministry for Verification has also been reinstated, though it is feared staff may themselves have been ‘corrected’.

*

Until the successful acquisition of Space Honey, there are no funds to reestablish the Ministry for Correcting the Ministry for Corrections.

*

Normally, each morning, the President is required to wheel a barrow of marrow into the Long Barrow to sacrifice to the Spine of the Nation.

*

Inside the Long Barrow is believed to be (though, truthfully, no-one but the President ever sees it), the Truth Machine. It must be, delicately, wound up.

*

The Machine has been wound up daily since before there were machines, Chimericas – or mammoths to remember either. It’s now been weeks…

*

Given the lengthy constipation currently endured by Orange Hulk, the Privy Council have offered the services of the Lords and Ladies of the Stool.

*

This office, which assisted their Chimeric Majesties in the movement of the royal bowels, lapsed with the accession of the Insect Dynasties.

*

But a branch of the last family thus honoured maintains the accoutrements of the Office of the Stool: the Silken Wipe, the Golden Pencil…

*

The Mammoth Key might be retrieved by the insertion of rectal nanobots, devised by the Office of the Stool for emergencies of non-emergence.

*

Orange Hulk’s reaction to the rectal nanobot suggestion was not good. This is the fifth time the Whited Sepulchre has been wrecked this month.

*

While Orange Hulk strains to pass the Key, here are some key Mammoth Bone Key Facts: 1) The key is very sensitive to the truth as it remembers everything;

*

2) The original Mammoth Bone Key was given to the Chimeric Queen 7000 years ago by Palaeopontiki, Emperor of the Moon Rats…

The Election of Orange Hulk

Latest news: even tho Orange Hulk was elected and really rules Chimerica, Orange Hulk was not in fact elected and does not rule Chimerica.
*

Following his first week in office, Chimerica has been declared simultaneously real and unreal. Unfortunately, Orange Hulk doesn’t care.

*

‘Orange Hulk biglier than real thing!’ the president said today, altho Science has in fact proven him to be smaller than a little white lie.

*

Citizens of Chimerica, plunged in existential bewilderment as to how they can simultaneously exist and not exist, have appealed to Pope Hulk.

*

Unfortunately, Pope Hulk is on a papal fishing trip to an unidentified moon & left only this message, ‘Pope Hulk not come back FOR YEARS!’

*

Many citizens have sought sanctuary in the Temple of the Angry Penguin God, whose priests say It does indeed appear to be ‘really angry’.

*

People are asking openly in the streets, ‘Didn’t we use to have a queen or something that could save us or at least eat our heads?

Drumpfulacrum


Citizens of Chimerica, for reasons which, since you removed your own cerebella, we can no longer access, you have elected a Cheesy Wotsit.

*

A Cheesy Wotsit, moreover, which appears to be possessed by the demon Drumpfulacrum, long held to be one of the stupidest demons in Hell.

*
A demon which, in the comedy clubs of Hell, occupies the position played by drummers in jokes about stupid musicians.

*

As in, ‘Drumpfulacrum is so stupid he wasn’t thrown out of Heaven, he tripped.’ As in, ‘When he goes out to buy souls he comes back with haddock.’

*

Last time Drumpfulacrum was loose he possessed a hot water bottle. Because he kept it constantly toasty, he wasn’t exorcised for 72 years.

*

So far, other than swelling to eight feet high and filling the air with an odour of synthetic cheese malignity, the Wotsit has done nothing.

*

However, murmurations of birds across this great land of ours have begun coughing *wanker* in unison before dropping from our great air.

A Timeless Interregnum (feat. Sea Mammoths)

The Ministry of Time has announced the end of Chimeric Summer Time. As ever, before Winter Time begins, there will be a Timeless Interregnum.

*

During the Timeless Interregnum, which can have no duration, citizens are warned: although nothing can happen, absolutely anything could occur.

*

For this year’s Timeless Interregnum, it looks as though Sea Mammoths have launched their traditional invasion on the eastern beaches.


*

Please be aware, although the Sea Mammoth invasion is always popular with tourists, they will stomp on your brains and eat you if approached.

*

They may look like normal elephants, but millennia beneath the waves have caused these mammoths to lose their hair and develop Wrinkly Trunk.

*

Wrinkly Trunk is a maddening condition which can only be relieved by bashing people on the head with mallets then stomping on their brains.

*

Fortunately, as soon as Winter Time is declared, as in the last Chimeric Ice Age, the cold will drive the Sea Mammoths back into the depths

The Wasp-Duck Illusion

A misunderstanding regarding ‘les droits des ducs‘ means nobles have been fucking ducks for years, leading to the phrase ‘Lord fuck a duck’.

*

Duck-fucking remains popular with the gentry due to their tiny genitalia, caused by centuries of inbreeding, and is one cause of platypuses.

*

It remains unclear why in the early 18th century the Needledick-Bugfücker dynasty pronounced itself utterly opposed to les droits des ducs.

*

This was around the time of the Plague of Human-Headed Wasps which caused misery and destruction across Chimerica chewing things and gossiping.

*

Everyone remembers the high-pitched, whiny voices of the Human-Headed Wasps, even people who weren’t born at the time, or were already dead.

*

Apparently the exact note struck by their irritating little thoraxes could pierce time itself, driving people mad centuries before and since.

*

The Ministry of Time, established after &/or before the Chimerican Revolution, had to make time a millisecond thicker to cope with all those wasps.