Facts about Tears

Over the course of your lifetime, you will weep exactly the same number of tears as the total number of raindrops which fell on your head.

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People who have been struck by hail are advised to move to a hot place to facilitate the passage of huge ‘ice tears’ through their eye ducts.

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Government moves to cut handkerchief size after revealing that ‘tears, idle tears’ are fraudulently hogging the absorbent paper. ‘We must offer meaningful material advantages to hard-working sweat,’ said the Minister for Exudations.

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Every year 96 people drown inside ‘Giant Tears’ – tears they themselves produce which are so huge they are immediately completely immersed within them, and cannot swim to their outer limits swiftly enough.

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In the 19th century, phobias about drowning in Giant Tears were so widespread that people carried ‘tear pins’ to burst tears before they could envelope their heads. Of course, this resulted in self-inflicted eye injuries as those weeping normally panicked.

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The Empress of Chimerica used to bathe in a pool filled with the tears of sleeping birds: she would send her moth legions out by night to gather the tears, which contained their concentrated dreams.

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When filtered through the rock on which her palace was set, the birds’ tears were released as choral song, which was trapped in nets attached to her bathrooms’ high ceilings, stored in golden eggs, and placed in silver nests to be cracked and released at the Empress’s pleasure.

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The Adventures of Doc Moreau and I, 17: Doc Moreau and the Giant Mutant Bees

A spokesthing for the Ministry of Hope has announced, ‘For the first time in a hundred fears, the Ministry is hanging out the Hopenets on the Cape of Can’t Cope, hoping against hope that a few scraps of hopeyness can be carried hither in the Great Wind of Despair…’

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‘However,’ the spokesthing continued, ‘I got a bad feeling about this.’

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Chimeric physicists have returned to dangerous work in their laboratory in the trenches of the Pessim Abysm, attempt to split the primary matter of Despair into two volatile components: the D particle, and the conjectured Sperare Principle.

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‘If we can just implant the Sperare Principle into the minds of these giant mutant bees,’ lead scientist Doc Moreau explained, ‘then we’ve turned ‘despair’ into what I call ‘beespair’, which certainly sounds like it ought to be an improvement.’

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‘The plan then is to release the giant mutant bees so that, by producing ‘Hopey Honey’, they shift the National Cosmic Balance. Of course, there is a small but manageable risk that they will sting everyone in their path to death.’

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‘By ‘manageable’ I mean that most of the people they sting to death will be without hope in any case, thus reducing the overall quotient of hopelessness,’ Doc Moreau concluded.

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Beside him, the spokesthing for the Ministry of Hope reiterated, ‘I got a bad feeling about this.’

War Snails of the Chimeric Empire


Few sights are as stirring as the giant War Snails of the Chimeric legions wheeling into battle, usually months after the conflict is over.

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At a diplomatic level, it can be problematic for colossal snails to lay waste to a nation with which a treaty was signed weeks previously.

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Fortunately, most civilian populations and even military intelligence units gradually become aware of colossal armoured molluscs with cannons.

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The War Snail strategy, of course, was to move so imperceptibly that opposing military units would completely forget about you until too late.

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In practice, however, the enemy had time to remove everything of value from the territory concerned down to the level of individual plants.

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The Counterstrategy to the Removal of Viable Targets from the Field of Combat was to send raiding parties to seize shrubs in mid-evacuation.

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The War Snails were retired when the cost of maintaining them was set against the net worth of geraniums gained, most of which they ate.

Kriegfart


‘Hang Out Your Robins On the Kriegfart Wall’ was a favourite marching song of the Chimeric legions.

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The Kriegfart, or ‘War of the Broken Wind’, one of Chimerica’s most devastating civil wars, was brought about by an incidence of flatulence.

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Several of Chimerica’s most devastating civil wars and/or natural disasters involve incidences of flatulence, but on a less intimate scale.

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When the Ambassador for Monster Island released a radioactive anal blast that poisoned half the Chimeric cabinet, war was tragically inevitable.

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King Stang’s eructation during a state dinner accidentally punched a hole in the space-time continuum, but that posed a more existential threat.

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What they actually fed the Moth People’s Emissary, causing a decade of diarrhoea and aerial bombardment, was the subject of many enquiries.

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The Kriegfart began with a follow-through by the Duke of Matted Further. The Chimeric Queen’s resulting witticism led to the war, the wall, the collateral damage …

The Truth Machine

Every new president of Chimerica is given the Mammoth Bone Key to the Truth Machine. What is unprecedented is for Orange Hulk simply to swallow it.
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While officials wait for the Key to, um, re-emerge, the Ministry for Verification has been put on a 26 hour Emergency Verification working day.

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The Ministry for Correcting the Ministry for Verification has also been reinstated, though it is feared staff may themselves have been ‘corrected’.

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Until the successful acquisition of Space Honey, there are no funds to reestablish the Ministry for Correcting the Ministry for Corrections.

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Normally, each morning, the President is required to wheel a barrow of marrow into the Long Barrow to sacrifice to the Spine of the Nation.

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Inside the Long Barrow is believed to be (though, truthfully, no-one but the President ever sees it), the Truth Machine. It must be, delicately, wound up.

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The Machine has been wound up daily since before there were machines, Chimericas – or mammoths to remember either. It’s now been weeks…

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Given the lengthy constipation currently endured by Orange Hulk, the Privy Council have offered the services of the Lords and Ladies of the Stool.

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This office, which assisted their Chimeric Majesties in the movement of the royal bowels, lapsed with the accession of the Insect Dynasties.

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But a branch of the last family thus honoured maintains the accoutrements of the Office of the Stool: the Silken Wipe, the Golden Pencil…

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The Mammoth Key might be retrieved by the insertion of rectal nanobots, devised by the Office of the Stool for emergencies of non-emergence.

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Orange Hulk’s reaction to the rectal nanobot suggestion was not good. This is the fifth time the Whited Sepulchre has been wrecked this month.

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While Orange Hulk strains to pass the Key, here are some key Mammoth Bone Key Facts: 1) The key is very sensitive to the truth as it remembers everything;

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2) The original Mammoth Bone Key was given to the Chimeric Queen 7000 years ago by Palaeopontiki, Emperor of the Moon Rats…

The Election of Orange Hulk

Latest news: even tho Orange Hulk was elected and really rules Chimerica, Orange Hulk was not in fact elected and does not rule Chimerica.
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Following his first week in office, Chimerica has been declared simultaneously real and unreal. Unfortunately, Orange Hulk doesn’t care.

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‘Orange Hulk biglier than real thing!’ the president said today, altho Science has in fact proven him to be smaller than a little white lie.

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Citizens of Chimerica, plunged in existential bewilderment as to how they can simultaneously exist and not exist, have appealed to Pope Hulk.

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Unfortunately, Pope Hulk is on a papal fishing trip to an unidentified moon & left only this message, ‘Pope Hulk not come back FOR YEARS!’

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Many citizens have sought sanctuary in the Temple of the Angry Penguin God, whose priests say It does indeed appear to be ‘really angry’.

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People are asking openly in the streets, ‘Didn’t we use to have a queen or something that could save us or at least eat our heads?

Drumpfulacrum


Citizens of Chimerica, for reasons which, since you removed your own cerebella, we can no longer access, you have elected a Cheesy Wotsit.

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A Cheesy Wotsit, moreover, which appears to be possessed by the demon Drumpfulacrum, long held to be one of the stupidest demons in Hell.

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A demon which, in the comedy clubs of Hell, occupies the position played by drummers in jokes about stupid musicians.

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As in, ‘Drumpfulacrum is so stupid he wasn’t thrown out of Heaven, he tripped.’ As in, ‘When he goes out to buy souls he comes back with haddock.’

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Last time Drumpfulacrum was loose he possessed a hot water bottle. Because he kept it constantly toasty, he wasn’t exorcised for 72 years.

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So far, other than swelling to eight feet high and filling the air with an odour of synthetic cheese malignity, the Wotsit has done nothing.

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However, murmurations of birds across this great land of ours have begun coughing *wanker* in unison before dropping from our great air.