Chimeric Hide & Seek, 2: Where is the Monster?

We looked in the lake but could not find the monster.

Because the lake is the monster.

We looked on the island and could not find the monster.

Because the island is the monster.

We looked in the cabin and could not find the monster.

You’re not really listening to me are you?


We looked in the cutlery drawer and could not find the monster.

Hello, I’m standing right here telling you where it is.

We looked in the breadbin and could not find the monster.

I suppose you think this is funny.

We looked beneath the stairs…

I’m just going to leave you to it.


We looked beneath the bed and could not find the monster.

I can still hear you.

We looked in the attic and in the cellar.

OK, this is weird because I’m at the jetty

and you shouldn’t really still be audible.

We looked in the wood and could not find it.

I’m taking the boat. Bye.


We looked under each pebble on the beach

and could not find the monster.

I know, I’m standing at the lakeside watching you do it:

why are you so loud and yet so far away?

We asked each fish in the lake but they had not seen it.

OK, don’t just walk under the water like that.


We searched each lake and every tree and could not find the monster.

I know. I’ve been driving for seven hours and it’s like you’re on the radio.

We searched for years and years and could not find the monster.

You keep going. It’s a big archipelago and I’ve got a plane to catch.


We searched from shore to shore and could not find the monster.

Not you again. It’s been ten years. Couldn’t you take a break?

Now we are many it is time to enter the seas.

Make sure you look in all the caves and trenches.

We will look in every crevice.

Now you’re listening?


Now we have crossed the sea we recognise this harbour.

Welcome back. Have you noticed the pillboxes yet?

We shall return to our home. Perhaps the monster has taken up residence therein.

Perhaps. But first this hail of bullets. Then, I hope you like what I’ve done with the place.

Chimeric Hide & Seek, 1: Where is the Devil?

The devil is not in the Dettol – who knew?


The devil is in the dishwasher. Which is why you shouldn’t throw the devil out with the dishwater, because it took ages to get him in there.


Other places the devil is reputed to be in: the beetroot’s bootstrap, the aerosol’s oesophagus, the elephant’s elbow, the functionary’s fundament, the greengrocer’s grammar book, the hostile handkerchief, the idiots’ icon, the jester’s jodhpurs, the koala’s kaolin…


…the manta ray’s memorandum, the newt’s neuralgia, the otters’ opera, the panjandrum’s pabulum, Quixotic qualia, the rotter’s rhubarb, the cybernetic synapse, the tyrant’s trotter, the ungulate’s undercarriage, the vulture’s vade-mecum, the wallaby’s washboard…


The only other places the Devil has ever been sighted in Chimeric folklore: Ximene’s xenurus’s tail, Young Lochinvar’s yarbles, and King Zog’s zebroid zabaglione zone. He knows what he likes. We can’t all be constantly seeking novelty. You want different, you go to different.


We forgot the leopard seal’s loincloth, but then so – embarrassingly frequently at formal engagements – does he. Bear in mind not only is the leopard seal descended from bears, he is neither an otary, a notary, nor a voluptuary.


STOP PRESS: the Devil has also been located in the diesel. On mature reflection we definitely should have thought to look there for him. Stands to reason.