Facts about Bats

Bats hunt chocolate using echolocation.

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Bats and people attempting to give up chocolate should try e-chocolate, which still contains an echo of actual chocolate if you insert it into your giant ears.

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Gianteers are people who climb giants instead of or as well as mountains.

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Giant tears are defined as tears so large that the weeper can themselves bathe or swim in a single giant teardrop.

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Victorian teardrop baths were often used to capture the lachrymations of mourners, the repentant, or the miserable, as instant immersion was deemed most efficacious.

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Hot giant tears were felt to be the best, as chocolate could be heated in the tub, creating a delicious if salty bath. If you could drink it all, you would never be sad again.

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After immersion in a hot chocolate tear bath, people would lie naked all night by open windows, and bats would come and lick them clean.

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Bats’ tears are so tiny they have to weep two tears of hydrogen and one tear of oxygen before anyone realises they are crying.

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Every bat carries a small salt cellar in their armpit to sprinkle on their tears. These are family heirlooms, handed down through bat generations.

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Bats’ favourite habitats are inside the ears of giants, who do not know they are there, and believe they are suffering from a giants’ disease called ‘tiny tinnitus’.

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Giants’ favourite habitats are mountaintops, where they blend in and remain so perfectly still that people believe mountains are hundreds of feet taller than they actually are.

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Gianteers, climbing in giants’ ears, have had the chocolate plucked from their rucksacks by light-clawed bats in mid-flight, and not had a clue it was gone.

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Bats use the silver paper from bars of chocolate to wrap their young in so that they can survive at the high altitudes of the upper galleries of giants’ ears. These twinkle at night, deceiving climbers they are unfamiliar constellations.

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After years of symbiotic coexistence with bats, the accumulated layers of tinfoil in giants’ ears block out the lullabies of star music, and they awaken, hungry for chocolate, and the flesh of climbers.

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