Mooby Dick

Mooby Dick shunned all the other whales because he was embarrassed about his pronounced man-boobs, pronounced ‘man-boobs’.

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Why couldn’t he have mwoobs, or male whale boobs, like all the other middle-aged whales?

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His only friend, ‘Moogy Dick’, always carried a Moog synthesiser, together with an electricity generator, wrapped in a giant plastic bag, in his throat. Nobody thought he was weird.

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(Actually, everybody thought Moogy Dick was going through the most colossal mid-life crisis, but because Mooby Dick didn’t speak to the other whales, he didn’t know this.)

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Mooby Dick wondered whatever had happened to his other old friend, Moggy Dick, who used to wear a giant mask of the Cheshire Cat at all times?

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The mask, which was made of chewed-up wrecked ships’ timbers, required continuous repair-work, which meant that Moggy Dick never really had much of a life.

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Of course if, in the meantime, Moggy Dick had given up wearing his Cheshire Cat mask, Mooby Dick realised he would probably be unable to recognise him.

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Facts about Bats

Bats hunt chocolate using echolocation.

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Bats and people attempting to give up chocolate should try e-chocolate, which still contains an echo of actual chocolate if you insert it into your giant ears.

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Gianteers are people who climb giants instead of or as well as mountains.

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Giant tears are defined as tears so large that the weeper can themselves bathe or swim in a single giant teardrop.

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Victorian teardrop baths were often used to capture the lachrymations of mourners, the repentant, or the miserable, as instant immersion was deemed most efficacious.

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Hot giant tears were felt to be the best, as chocolate could be heated in the tub, creating a delicious if salty bath. If you could drink it all, you would never be sad again.

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After immersion in a hot chocolate tear bath, people would lie naked all night by open windows, and bats would come and lick them clean.

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Bats’ tears are so tiny they have to weep two tears of hydrogen and one tear of oxygen before anyone realises they are crying.

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Every bat carries a small salt cellar in their armpit to sprinkle on their tears. These are family heirlooms, handed down through bat generations.

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Bats’ favourite habitats are inside the ears of giants, who do not know they are there, and believe they are suffering from a giants’ disease called ‘tiny tinnitus’.

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Giants’ favourite habitats are mountaintops, where they blend in and remain so perfectly still that people believe mountains are hundreds of feet taller than they actually are.

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Gianteers, climbing in giants’ ears, have had the chocolate plucked from their rucksacks by light-clawed bats in mid-flight, and not had a clue it was gone.

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Bats use the silver paper from bars of chocolate to wrap their young in so that they can survive at the high altitudes of the upper galleries of giants’ ears. These twinkle at night, deceiving climbers they are unfamiliar constellations.

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After years of symbiotic coexistence with bats, the accumulated layers of tinfoil in giants’ ears block out the lullabies of star music, and they awaken, hungry for chocolate, and the flesh of climbers.

Undead Shoal


Vampire mackerel were the most awkward of supernatural fish: barely able to fly, they would take hours to travel to land in search of prey.

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As they flailed their tiny fins, bobbing inches above the surf, vampire mackerel hunters would simply pick them off with wooden darts.

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Only the fact they travelled in bloodthirsty shoals enabled enough vampire mackerel to get ashore where they would descend on weasels and mice.

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Anything bigger than a weasel could punch a vampire mackerel out of the sky, and even the weasels had to be caught unawares in case of biteback.

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Vampire mackerels’ most convenient sources of blood, pinnipeds and cetaceans, heard them coming due to subaquatic lisping thru their fangs.

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Narwhal Van Helsing dedicated his life to hunting down Count Mackerula, but he would hide in the heart of his Undead Shoal and could not be found.

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As the sun descends below the nautical horizon, there is a green flash which reveals that Count Mackerula is nothing but rune-covered bones.