The Adventures of Doc Moreau and I, 16: Good Dog Patented Nose Brain Grafts


Doc Moreau has been working on a nose/brain graft that will enable us and/or dogs to smell bad ideas.

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‘Dogs with human brains or humans with dog’s noses?’ he said at a recent press conference. ‘I don’t know, it could go either way.’

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In a rare move, Doc Moreau will run two advertising campaigns simultaneously, and see which gets the biggest take-up from people or dogs.

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‘Do you ever dither?’

‘Er…’

‘Have you ever havered?’

‘Um…’

‘Try Doc Moreau’s Good Dog Nose Grafts: everything’s coming up nosethinks!’

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‘My dog has nose idea.’

‘How does it think?’

‘Terrible!’

‘Get Doc Moreau’s Patented Canine Brain Grafts today: wake up and smell the cerebella!’

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So far dogs have been slow to grasp the advantages of Doc Moreau’s Patented Canine Brain Grafts so the Doc is throwing in a free opposable thumb!

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‘A big problem at the moment is the dogs bury the thumbs, so I give them an IQ booster jab and we talk, Doc to dog. Then they form militia…’

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The Thirteen Fridays

It was the 13th Friday in a row and victims were sick of the hockey masquerades-slash-slashfests, the sheer badluckcliffs and the slipping on black catskins.

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Letters of protest sent to the Ministry of Time were purloined. Phonecalls were made but the handsets turned into lobsters and snipped off ears.

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The Ministry finally announced that the run of Fridays was caused by sunsprat shoals, and victims should increase their Sprat Factor to 13.

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Victims pointed out anything over Sprat Factor 11 caused your face to melt and your eyes to migrate to the top of your head like flatfish.

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The Ministry of Masks undertook to issue their famous face wax, which replaces victims’ original faces with those of historical figures.

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However, due to the ectospasmodic effect of a sunsprat megashoal the size of Mercury, the wax took on the features of famous murder victims.

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When Saturday finally arrived, the airports were full of exhausted serial killers heading out to abduct a few day’s R&R on Murder Island.

Fear Feller’s Master-Stroke

A new study discovers that people who think they’re arachnophobic are actually afraid of disembodied hands with lots of eyes in the knuckles.

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New studies conclude that all claustrophobics remember being placed in a coffin while still alive in their immediately previous life.

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A new study shows that people who believe they are afraid of snakes are actually troubled by the thought of elongated severed zombie penises.

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New tests have established that agoraphobics are genetically immune to gravity, and could potentially fly off into space at any moment.

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A new study proves that fear of heights signals a rare disorder called Magnetic Dropsy, in which you are drawn at a cellular level to the abyss.

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New studies fairly sure that ailurophobes have been experimentally chewed by their own cats while in a post-public house ‘napping’ posture.

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A new study establishes that fear itself is more afraid of the fear of fear itself than the fear of fear itself is afraid of fear itself.