The Horizon Garden

(for Ian Thompson)

Incoherency Brown, Capability’s brother, was famed for inventing the Horizon Garden, which lopped everything off between you and the skyline.

Trees, walls, flowers, buildings, livestock: everything between your property and the horizon was sliced off uniformly at eye level.


Later, Incoherency Brown would think to plant ‘short things’ (shrubs) nearer the house, and ‘taller things’ (trees) farther away.


Servants would be employed according to height; their movements and activities strictly confined to the appropriate distance from the house.


At one point Brown had England’s most varied guillotine collection and its largest number of privately owned giraffe necks. Then he was arrested.


While in prison, Incoherency Brown invented the ‘stooping roof’, a roof which could sit inside a house rendered roofless by a Horizon Garden.


After his release, Brown would allow appropriately-heighted servants to bear a large shark’s fin purposively across a Horizon Garden.


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