Do You Suffer from Uncanny Nocturnal Levitation?

Are you troubled by Uncanny Nocturnal Levitation while wearing your Self-Adhering Giant Hawkmoth Wings? Get your Organic Wing Anchors – and a good night’s sleep – here!

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Our Organic Self-Adhering Giant Hawkmoth Wing Anchors are manufactured from 100% Groanstone deposits.

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However, we cannot guarantee the factory in which the Groanstones are deposited have not been contaminated with sighs.

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Groanstone is formed as part of the digestive process of the Melancholy Worm. These worms grow to colossal sizes yet remain invisible.

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– Except, that is, to the highly developed sensory array of our adept Groanstone Extractors. These plucky few locate the cloacal flap and climb inside.

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Squeezing through the invisible intestinal tunnels, which can be miles in length, even the most experienced Groanstone Extractor may sigh.

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The Worms, however, are extraordinarily alert to minute amounts of negativity and the groanstone itself may become imperceptibly contaminated.

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However, in most circumstances, our Groanstone Anchors, cunningly fashioned into the shape of a gigantic wishbone, will function perfectly.

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Very occasionally, the original sigh may escape during Uncanny Nocturnal Levitation, itself a rare side-effect of wearing giant moth wings.

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If, as is incredibly unlikely, the Uncanny Nocturnal Levitation is caused by a psychological flaw in the moth, a chain reaction may begin.

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However, all our moths are raised in great Moon Wardrobes in ideal conditions for fluttering and laying eggs on astronauts’ old three-piece suits.

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The fact that our moths are actually on the Moon, the desired destination of their species for millions of years, causes Moth Euphoria.

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Of course, in a vanishingly small number of instances, Moth Euphoria can tip over into Lepidopteran Lunar Frenzy and this may infect the wings.

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But Doc Moreau has reassured us his technique of suddenly ripping the wings off the hawkmoths counters Lepidopteran Lunar Frenzy at source.

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The Pizza Prophecies

Real pizza lovers have the walls of their apartments papered throughout with pepperoni pizzas including sofas, chairs, and toilet seats.
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If you can’t open a laptop and find a piping hot rectangular pizza inside then the Internet must die.

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What use are public libraries if each volume hasn’t been ingeniously hollowed out so that it may (and does!) contain a secret pizza?

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We choose to coat the Moon in ‘a big pizza pie’ in this decade. Do not underestimate the power of the dark side of the crust.

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Soon the Midgard Pizza shall circle the Earth, the mouth of its first anchovy clamped onto the tail of its last.

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Soon a vast intact pizza crust will be delivered by fleets of space motorcycles directly onto the rings of Saturn.

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Soon the galaxy itself will be folded into a single calzone.

The Elsie & Nora Dialogues: Doc Moreau Origins Story, Part 2

‘I hear the veteran veterinarian took on a new partner.’

‘You can hear that?’

‘What’s more, this extra vet is a bit of an extrovert.’

‘Ouch.’

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‘His name is Dr Moreau, but he says to call him “Doc”.’

‘What’s up with that?’

‘His field is cryptozoics – what is that?’

‘It’s a mystery.’

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‘Dr Wells must be on his last legs now.’

‘Who would’ve thought donkeys’ legs would attach so well to a human frame?’

‘Good old Hunter Gatherer!’

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‘Did you see his assistant in the pantechnicon – I didn’t know those things were allowed to drive.’

‘Didn’t know they were able to drive…’

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‘That was more giraffe necks than I’ve seen in – forgive me – a long time.’

‘It’s not within my remit to absolve that sort of remark.’

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‘Tied together in bunches like that, giraffe necks look astonishingly like asparagus, don’t you think?’

‘If I could think, I wouldn’t be here.’

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‘There’s something reminiscent of the fasces about the way his assistant carries them.’

‘You mean it looks like an animal lictor?’

‘Argh.’

The Fartophone

One of the last acts of Adolphe Sax’s life was to help Le Petomane devise a fartophone in 1892.
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The fartophone consisted of a bellows located in the armpit, connected by a tube to reinforced pants, through which air could be inserted.

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An ocarina was attached to a second tube, which could be concealed in a trouser pocket. By mastering a wiggling dance, the fartophone could be played as it were with nonchalance.

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Sax was at work on a more elaborate ‘chanter’ tentatively called ‘The Tremulous Dildo’ when he died.

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The idea of this more elaborate fartophone was for a married couple to entertain themselves at home with tunes from Le Petomane’s songbook.

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Pujol himself had spent months elaborating a notation system for the fartophone which he called ‘Five Finger Farting’.

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The fartopants are now in La Musée de la Flatulence. Could their combination of whalebone, brass and rubber still have commercial potential?