Saint Gertrude and the Cat Puncher

‘Cat-Puncher – he punches cats:
why would he even do
a thing like that
unto a cat?’
(traditional air)

What is a little known fact is that St Gertrude, the patron saint of cats, was a notorious cat-puncher until God stepped in and said, ‘Stop!’

*

Gertrude Cat-Puncher (as she was known at the time) had been out on on a punchy date with Mr Cat-Puncher and had just drawn back her fist.

*

An adorable little ‘naughty torty’ tortoiseshell kitten was just staring at her unaware of the impending right uppercut when God intervened.

*

God’s ‘Stop!’ was emitted by a passing starling with as it were no dog in the fight in the distinctive tones of a Southern Baptist preacher.

*

‘Yew talkin to me?’ said Gertrude Cat-Puncher to the nonplussed starling, and Mr Cat-Puncher said, democratically, ‘Punch that goddamn bird!’

*

‘This is the Lord thy God, Gertie, speakin to you thru this pore bewildered starlin, n I don’t want you punchin them cats no more!’ said God.

*

‘That Mr Cat-Puncher yew been hangin round with, drinkin future juice n blasphemin, ain’t no good fer yew nor for cats,’ God continued.

*

‘It’s one uh them cat-lovin ventrilly-o-quislins,’ Mr Cat-Puncher said in Gertrude’s ear. ‘Jest punch the goddam starlin and we’re outa here.’

*

But Gertrude felt the light of the Lord illumine her heart within its bony cage, and she looked on the starling with joy: ‘I hear yuh, Lord!’

*

She seized that naughty torty by the tail n brought it down on the head of the evil tempter Mr Cat-Puncher, and went on her way a new woman!

*

From that day to this her house has been full of cat piss and every bird within a three mile radius has been righteously deaded, Amen!

*

And Mr Cat-Puncher saith unto the Lord, ‘What yew got against cat-punchin anyway? Have you seen the stupid self-regardin simpering brutes?’

*

And the Lord said unto Mr Cat-Puncher, ‘I made them that way so you could wipe the smile off uh their smug lil faces. Also I hate starlins.’

*

‘Mr God, yew got yuhself some problems I don’t wanna hear about.’
‘Mr Cat-Puncher, go yore way and we’ll discuss this when all cats is punched.’

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