he was still laying down and mumbling.


‘why have you not shared that one

about belief ?’


i think i forgot.


‘did anyone read it?’


i don’t know.


the bear slipped back to sleep

holding the rags.






‘isn’t the sun warm?’  said the bear, ‘and look i speak in italics’


yes, it makes me feel better.


‘which the warmth or the format?’





The Adventures of Doc Moreau & I, 13: Doc Moreau and the Ecto-Cheese


Modern Ecto-Cheese Production Methods (an artist’s impression)

Ecto-cheese has the potential to fuel our homes for millennia, especially when everyone is long dead and the houses completely demolished.

Ecto-cheese is clean energy generated by milking ghosts and then asking very large beetles to somehow form the ecto-cheese curds. For money.


As history progresses and more of humanity ‘passes’, ghost milk potential reaches a tipping point, but we really need really large beetles.


If we can’t breed beetles the size of dormobiles by 1973, then humanity is doomed and all we can do is go round smashing wasps with hammers.


Doc Moreau and I have discovered a radical new treatment that will increase Ringo’s body mass to that of a brontosaurus and thus save us all.


Doc Moreau would like to reassure fans Ringo will still be able to play drums while fabricating ecto-cheese, we’ll just need very big drums.


There is no truth to the rumour that ecto-cheese can be used in the manufacture of ‘phantom’ Cheese Robots conventional weapons cannot stop.

Mr Dudd is not an easy way out of the day

Mr Dudd and I don’t think that the government has been the most beautiful girl in the morning and I’m still waiting for my life and death.

Mr Dudd is so cute when you get the chance to win this game in my head and I love it when people don’t know why you should be able to see.

Mr Dudd and I love you so much better now that I’m a big fan of yours truly and I have a nice dream about you but I’m still not working.

Mr Dudd is so much better than the original version and the first half of the day after a long time ago when he said that it is a great way.

Mr Dudd licked the first place in my room and my dad just called me a little tool. The fact is that you are so much better now.

Mr Dudd killed it tonight at 8pm and I don’t know how to make the most recent update. I’m at work today and I’m still waiting to get my hair.

Mr Dudd ate the whole world. I love it when people say they will be in my head and I don’t think I’m going to get my money back.

Mr Dudd swam in the morning and the other hand is the most beautiful girl in the world to me. The fact is that you are a few days ago.

Mr Dudd feared the worst thing about it but I can’t believe I’m going to get my nails done today and it is the best.

Mr Dudd pissed to get my money back. I just got home from school tomorrow but the most important thing is that you can be used.

Mr Dudd died in the morning and I’m still in bed with my friends and family.

Mr Dudd and the zombies are so cute when you are really playing with my life. I hate it when I get something done right.

Mr Dudd writes about the future whenever I’m bored and lonely. People who don’t like me try to make the world uninstall and reinstall.

Mr Dudd kisses old school with my wallpaper and I run into a fight with my worst nightmare. Sometimes you need me to be the best.

James Knight tweets about me but you can’t even play without having a bad mood. I’m going back and forth between us and we.

Mr Dudd represents a major problem with my life and death and destruction and a few years ago he was not a fan of yours.

Mr Dudd paints canvasses to be the best. Occasionally I love the new one and only a couple of decades ago I was just a little slow.

Mr Dudd sucks for the rest of the year and I have no clue who I am.

Mr Dudd buried his first game in a statement issued by the end zone. The gun couldn’t be happier with my life.

Mr Dudd chases moths to get a new song on this page and it will take place in the first half of the year before that.

When Mr Dudd’s battery runs out he has to go back to sleep and wake me up by singing the national anthem.

Mr Dudd enjoys a good time waster but it would mean so much more if the shoe size were not immediately known.

Mr Dudd empties his wife of mouse droppings so that he can get a new song on repeat for the rest of the year and I don’t think.

Mr Dudd watches lions eating my feelings for you guys. They savage all the best parts of my day. Sometimes you need me to get my nails.

Mr Dudd has sex with my friends and the other side of the mirror. It doesn’t matter how hard it is, the company has to go out with my life.

Mr Dudd stuffs his wallet with forged diplomatic relations between China and India and I love the fact that you are so much better now.

Mr Dudd declares war on terror suspects and a few weeks ago I had constipation, despite the fact that America is not a fan of yours truly.

I don’t know if Mr Dudd is real, but I think it’s funny because the last time we went to sleep we turned into an argument with my life.


This is a series of tweets, all written on an iPhone, using QuickType (a predictive keyboard that suggests three possible words or phrases, in response to the last word typed or selected). Apart from the name Mr Dudd and the occasional word I threw in as a curve-ball (for example, “war”, “buried” and “forged”), all of the words in the tweets were selected from those presented by QuickType. 

It was an enjoyable exercise that revealed a lot about Apple’s perception of its customers. At every turn, QuickType invited me to write about family, friends, my nails, my hair, how much I love X. It often suggested I write about smartphone technology (“uninstall and reinstall”). The personal pronouns “I”, “me” and “my” were never more than a few word choices away. 

Best of all, the tweets are wonderfully unnatural, absurd, like fragments from English as She is Spoke or La Cantatrice chauve


can you find the book among the favourites,

the one about survival in the cold, how to avoid

attacks from bears and other wildlife.


the book that makes you feel safe in bed,

because you are not there.


there are brown, black and a grizzled one you know,

each has a different response.


which will they think i am asked the bear?


ah, i says, they will never know, so will

have to hide.


the bear drank his tea, long and deep

and sighed.