Clown Clone Horde


The Clown Clone Horde has assembled at the northern frontier again in their thousands of slightly too small cars.

Cairoli the Ludicrous has decreed that any city which does not surrender to laughter will have the facial muscles of its citizens slit.


Last time the Clone Clown Horde swept over Chimerica, whole provinces were left deadpan, and the streets ran with custard for weeks.


Apparently, thanks to the Snowflake Algorithm, the makeup of each member of the Clown Clone Horde is unique. Or is this their idea of a joke?


The Eyeless are the shock troops of the Clone Clown Horde: weeping and gibbering, they sprint pell mell into city centres in their thousands.


Crashing into everything in their way, the Eyeless carry ladders to enable the Horde’s advance. Somehow these are never correctly deployed.


Disdaining the palaces of the conquered, Cairoli raises his giant yurt on their rubble and is entertained by the juggling of ex-rulers’ heads.


. time lord .

it is 10.55 on 21.3. they say

that pi day is because

they write back words

in the usa. i know

the time of day,

will give you it.

10.57 with room to think.

byron wrote of idleness ,

while all the while

you have no love  for me.




it is a simple thing.


we hope for independance, privacy.


so we google, ask advice and listen.


take our time, let the thought wander,

heal ourselves.



we can even mend the  typewriter,

gifted by a friend, now there is a lovely



soap cleans the ink away;  wind will

blow the water, dry the chimney,

clear the floors.


we have kept the old ribbon,

in a box.





Robo-Burns Night

The Chimeric Pneumatic Postal Service is delighted to be able to announce the resumption of its ‘Hot Tube’ service for Robo-Burns Night!
Soon, thousands of piping hot haggises will be fired through every pneumatic tube in the land (and under the several types of sea)!


If you have a pneumatic tube outlet in your home or survival dome, simply set the nozzle to ‘Receive’ and point it at the designated platter!


People often ask us at the CPPS if they have a pneumatic tube in their habitation. The answer is yes, and you have only minutes to find it!


What are the traditions of Robo-Burns Night!? Mostly the Shrieking of the Eldritch Grace (simply apply oil till the squeals become tolerable).


Then the clone clans and same model robots gather to sing ‘Farty Pears, Version 2’ and ‘What Difference Engine Does It Make?’


‘What’s in a haggis?’ people enquire. Only the most innocent of ingredients, as you can hear them protest down the long miles of red-hot tubing.

The Secret Life of Punctuation

A little ampersand, lying on its back by the river, kicking its legs in the air with delight at not having to link anything to anything else.

An unshaven semi-colon, sitting in a cafe and wanting a smoke, but too half-arsed to do anything about it.


The commas lie around on the sofas and rugs of the endless unclean hotel, exhausted, all at sixes and nines with each other.


A full stop picks up your scent and rolls toward you. You realise it’s both enormous and malign. All the full stops in books were just far away.


The question mark swings from tree to tree, ululating plaintively. Every now and then it drops the ball it’s chained to, and plummets after it.


The dash can circle the world in the split second you look away and back. It clings to the page by thousands of tiny legs which you can’t see.


That exclamation mark is such a drip. It just hangs around on the corners of more exciting sentences, bringing everything down to its level.

13 clips from a horror movie filmed by the mannequins amid the ruins of Hollywood

1. His mouth opens and a red spider crawls out, followed by another one and another one and another one and another one and another one…

2. Her body is no longer her body. It looks exactly as it did before, but it is strange, wrong. She looks at herself in the mirror and weeps.

3. The sound of machinery wakes him. Iron grinding iron, shrill whistles. After a few seconds, it stops. When he sleeps it starts again.

4. The street is quiet. A few cars, people ambling along. A woman crosses the road, pushing a pram. Inside, there is a severed head.

5. Night. A luxury apartment on the 33rd floor. A bed, a man, a woman. The harder they fuck, the more horrible their deaths.

6. A man sits on a stool at a bar. He doesn’t know there is something in his whiskey. The barman knows. All the other customers know.

7. The suburb looks much as it did before, except there are no people and dogs roam free and windows are smashed and the flies are God.

8. They laugh. Life is easy. They’ve never had it so good. An ocean sunset. Meanwhile, in the cabin, a shadow twists and lengthens.

9. Their bodies are placentas, feeding something squalling, ravenous.

10. At school, the children sit quietly at their desks, devising a thousand parricides.

11. The camera was left running, by accident. He reviews the footage. Then he goes into the basement and shoots himself.

12. A spiral staircase leads to a corridor she doesn’t remember. She feels compelled to explore. Water drips from the ceiling.

13. The light is poor and there is smoke, but it looks like a large bird or a man dressed as one, tottering, lurching, shrieking, laughing.