Big Bill Backward’s True-Faced Western Tales, 8: Three B’s Permanent Gut-Churnin Chuck-Wagon

Image courtesy of Chimeric field agent, Shed Ra

Image courtesy of Chimeric field agent, Shed Ra

Came the time when we had to hitch Big Bill Backward’s Gut-Churnin Chuck-Wagon to a permanent brick tent berth n stop roamin the plains…

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Still served our famous 100 Day Coffee with an egg in. Folks came to see what kinda egg. (Truth was, we had a big clutch uh seagull ova to get over.)

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Served the largest mugs of tea in the Western H: hip baths of Builders’. Folks used to climb in fully clothed n claim they wuz born agin in York Shire.

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Made Space Helmet Soup: you put the helmet on, we pump it full uh soup. City Hall went space ape, but the survivors kept comin back for more.

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Served seven foot hot dog buns: used ta warm them up, slice them, n customers would lie down inside n go to sleep of an evenin.

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Some folks had to be covered in mustard before they could pass out for the night – said the dreams were better that way, more purr-gate-eef.

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People’d buy our “next day” pasties as one-throw pet frisbees: dogs loved em, though we had a few complaints about concussed cats.

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Seems yer cat would just stare at the stale pasty as it whirled towards its head n the other customers made UFO noises. Cain’t blame us for that!

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We kinda knew our take on Angry Mac wuz wrong – addin all those “mood alterin” chemicals was never going to be considered eau-then-teek.

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Still, Medieval Mac, Hibernatory Mac, Muscular Mary Mac, and Mantic Mushroom Mac were all sure fire pipin hot best-sellers!

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At Big Bill Backward’s Permanent Gut-Churnin Chuck-Wagon we stuck to the three main food groups: soup, pies n cake, n they stuck to yer ribs.

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Yew wanted vegetation we had canned spinach, n we had plenty gruts allus on the go. Pappies would bring their offspring miles for our gruts.

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We had beans n bacon n biscuits n chitterlins n axe-murderer chicken n chicken no-one asked nuthin, n dawgs n feet n shoes n turpentine, yessir!

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Everybody came in hungry n if they left, very few could walk n none of them could talk, and that was why nobody ever had a bad word for “3B’s GCC-Dubya”!

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