Set the Controls for the Centre of the Earth

If you bury your car in the garden overnight, it will eventually learn how to drive underground – who needs stupid flying cars?!

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If you don’t have time to immerse your car repeatedly in earth, you can simply fill it with fresh soil – always fresh, never store-bought!

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Once a car has been properly steeped in humus, it develops a ‘negative’ gear stick. This determines the scrabble factor of the claw shaft.

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The main drawback with Mole Cars is of course the journey length. Your car must claw through tons of undisturbed earth. This can take years.

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When ordering a Mole Cab, always leave a decade for arrival, and, depending on the distance to be covered, another decade for your journey.

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Another factor is that young Mole Cars have a propensity to dive and head for the centre of the Earth. You must set the controls carefully.

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As your Mole Car approaches the centre of the Earth, its radio will tune to Radio Axelbourg, playing the hits of Rick Wakeman, nonstop!

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It will also begin to melt, plastic fittings first, then the rubber coatings on the claws, finally the glass and steel. Pull out of the dive!

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As you approach the centre of the Earth, a cosy drowsiness overcomes you. You’re visited by fond memories of adolescence. It’s so warm…

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Pets, long dead, gambol to meet you. Why do they have worms’ bodies instead of limbs? No, Snubby, don’t wrap yourself around me like that!

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Grandparents lean through the molten Mole Car windows. They are spry again. ‘You shouldn’t have come to the Burning Meadows,’ they tell you.

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The Golden Worm undulates toward you in the cavern at the core. In fact it is stationary, it is the centre. It folds space to bring you home.

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Its hair flows ceaselessly: a gold stream. This is the Fountain of Youth. As you drink, your insides burn. The gilding, the gelding, begins.

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You are Axel, you are Daisy, you are Sebastian, you are Molly. When Rick Wakeman asks if you will join Yes Yes you say yes you will Yes

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