Misfortune Kookies

There is nothing on Earth you’re afraid of – what is the matter with you?

*
You were the best thing before sliced bread, Baby.

*

If you dig your bearpit deep enough, you will find bears.

*

The eyes are more afraid than the ears.

*

You won’t tell anyone about the fly hiding out in your shower if you know what’s good for you.

*

You already have a whippet. It’s just that you can’t see it.

*

Why wear your clown shoes to play keepy-up?

*

When the cheese barks, the dentures tremble.

*

You were always on my rind – no, mint. You were always on my mint.

*

In the heart of the artichoke is a small outboard motor: use it wisely.

*

The three-headed rabbit is waiting for you on the moon-drenched common.

*

Let the hologrammic space maggot drive the beach buggy of your heart.

*

Already as delicious as granola, one day your dog’s earwax will be more valuable than gold!

*

Consider yourself Marmite.

*

Who ducks the duck? Who shrieks at the shrike? 

Who gooses the goose? Who wrings the wren?

*

May the Manatee of Serenity remember to clean your bath afterwards.

*

You are never more than six feet away from a Morlock.

*

Never keep all your beetroots in one trout.

*

Your life will be much easier when you remember to store ectoplasm in a clearly marked container.

*

What is this thing called life if, full of care, we have no time to put our neighbour in the woodchipper?

*

Mallard is, as the name suggests, bad lard. Break the habit now!

*

Manners masketh the man/woman/monster (delete as applicable).

*

So you’re the butterfly responsible for all our awful weather with your ‘I’ll just flutter my wings’ shit?

*

Only if you count all the leaves on a tree will you be still long enough for us to run away.

*

 Just because someone is sitting in a kayak doesn’t mean their arse is that shape.

 *

 Inside every balloon is a teardrop from space.

 *

 The muttering bat has whiskers of steel. I repeat, the buttering mat has whispers of eel.

 *

 Inside every bottle of HP Sauce is a tentacle that dissolves before you can find it, just like your soul.

 *

 They tell you your plans are pie in the sky, but they aren’t. They’re eclairs in the air.

 *

 That amazing thing you do with your jaw when swallowing prey: don’t ever lose that!

 *

 Once you’ve read this, just nod slowly, and we’ll release the Komodo dragon.

 *

 Don’t listen to the doubters, listen to the Little Dancing Doughnut only you can see.

 *

 Asparagus is just pencils that gave up.

 *

 There would be no need to understand the offside rule if people obeyed the best-beforeside rule.

 *

 All of the money you win from fruit machines is made from real fruit.

 *

 If you find yourself in the middle of the wilderness take a step to the left – and you’re nearly home!

 *

 The fact the avocet drinks Advocaat doesn’t mean the tern likes Pernod.

 *

 Once you have heard the octopus chuckle you tire of making sense of the world.

 *

 If you give a songbird money it will stop singing and just buy drink.

 *

 These are not the droids you’re looking for either. Do you even know what a droid looks like?

 *

 While it’s good to be able to tell your arse from a hole in the ground, there’s no need for expertise.

 *

 Crucifying pigeons is never ‘cool’.

 *

 You will surely achieve immortality for that thing you’re about to do with the spatula.

 *

 Everyone says you’ve got a lion’s tail: now’s the time to prove them wrong!

 *

 A fortune in diamonds has been concealed in your cat. There are plenty of others the same colour. What do you do?

 *

 If you tickle fish they will tell you their bank details.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s