Elephant Shrimp Chronicles

I remember going to see the elephant shrimp at the Kryptozoo. They kept it in a giant cocktail glass which seemed a little tasteless.

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It was fed on live flamingos to keep it in the pink. I’ll never forget the crunching & snapping sound as it went to work on their legs.

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I remember, among ceremonial horse harnesses in the Chimeric Wunderkammer, discovering a barding made from a single woolly elephant shrimp.

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All of it – champron, criniere, croupiere, flanchard, and peytral – was carved out of fossil shell recovered from permafrost.

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The caparisons were beyond compare, woven from the thick wool with which the giant prawn kept itself warm in the waters of the Straits.

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The exquisite tapestry panels showed ancient ruckuses on the icy shores of the Sea of Doubt when mod mammoths clashed with reindeer rockers.

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I remember going on the cruise in the King Barnacle Tank at Squid World. It took a fortnight to reach the shores of the Barnacle itself.

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The waters were clicky with young Elephant Shrimps, gathered in their thousands for mating displays of their skills at badminton.

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I remember when the human eye contained only three rods and numerous traffic cones. The rods were Rod Stewart, Rod Serling, and Rod Taylor.

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Since Doc Moreau’s disastrous ‘Butterfly Eye’ experiments, the chimeric eye now contains five rods and can see more colours than it can name.

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It is believed one of the two extra Rods is Rod Argent, and it has been speculated that the fifth Rod might be Michael Rodd off 70s children’s TV.

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The truth is no-one really knows who these new Rods are that Doc Moreau stuffs into our eyeballs. Fears mount over his ‘Mantis Shrimp Eye’.

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The Mantis Shrimp has like 16 rods and miles of traffic cones, man. It can see billions of colours which has totally fried its tiny mind.

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No-one knows that many Rods! Doc M has been strongly advised to use Elephant Shrimp eyeballs, which only contain Cambridge poet Rod Mengham.

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