Butter News (incorporating Butter Etiquette)

One should never butter one’s trousers, it is an invariable sign of a slippery character.

*

Only the vulgar spread butter directly on their toast. The correct behaviour is to apply butter to the eyebrows, then rub your face on the toast as required.

*

Always butter up, never butter down – a gentleman should already know this.

*

‘IMPORTANT NOTICE: known cat-butterers will not be admitted to this establishment.’

*

If you must butter your trousers, use unsalted. Nothing is so offensive to a police dog as blandness, and it is sure to let you go.

*

It is a false economy to repair watches using a margarine. Time is indifferent to cholesterol.

*

When buttering large buildings, start at the ground floor to discourage giant apes from even beginning to climb.

*

‘Now available: butter in a better bitter batter. Wrap it in bast or rub it on yr bust. Our boast: it’s the best battered butter you can buy!’

*

Traditionally, moths were suspended in butter, and butterflies in lard. Then some literalist got hold of the whole industry…

*

‘There is a butter world,’ as lunar optimists opine.

*

Prehistoric buttercups were so large they were often used as primitive clubs to settle butter-related arguments in the Early Margarine Era.

*

Using butter as an imaginative springboard, early civilisations predicted toast hundreds of years before the technology was even possible.

*

Using butter as a literal springboard has led to more serious accidents than any other household substance.

*

Philosophers have been trying to clarify butter for thousands of years, alchemists for centuries, but will it happen in our lifetimes?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s