Q: Dear Doc, how do you get alien drool off household items before they are eaten away?
A: Always keep a pickled hedgehog in a sealed jar!
Q: Dear Doc, should granola contain real grandmothers, and do they have to be Spanish?
A: It very much depends on your Gran-grinder settings.
Q: Dear Doc, how can I safely dispose of a tiny dormant Cheese Robot?
A: Do not leave town. Our Town Eradicators will be with you shortly.
Q: Dear Doc, I’ve inherited a stained set of mammoth bone spoons: what should I do?
A: Are they still attached to the mammoth?
Q: Dear Doc, I don’t live in the US, have nothing to do with ‘soccer’, and am not female. Am I Soccer Mom?
A: No, I am Soccer Mom!
Q: Dear Doc, how do I whizz up these ‘Heavy Nuts’ that all the other hep squirrels are on about?
A: My client has no comment at this time.
Q: Dear Doc, which seasonings are actually jolly?
A: ‘Tis’ is jolly if you can get it in flakes; ‘Figgy’ is only jolly in small doses.
Addendum: Doc says, ‘Hark’ in excess causes finnitus (or Ear-Fish); ‘Humbug’ is only really safe if prepared by Bah’s Spice Emporium.