The Ministry for Verification

Should you wish to establish whether the person you are talking to is real or a robot you should report them to the Ministry for Verification.

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The Ministry will dispatch a robot to your location with the Testing Needle. All true robots have a 45rpm record engraved on their hearts.

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The Ministry for Verification cannot accept responsibility for any injuries or malfunctions arising from the Testing. Check your insurance.

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Should you wish to establish whether the dog which fetched your stick is real or not you should deliver it to the Ministry’s Canine Section.

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You should bring the stick with you, and you must specify how many sections you would prefer the dog to be returned to you in.

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The Ministry for Verification cannot guarantee the number of canine sections unless you bring the stick. Place the stick in the Stick Box.

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Should you wish to establish whether a stick is real or a robot you should report it to the Ministry of Verification’s Stick Section.

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The Ministry will dispatch a dog to your location with a cybernetically enhanced nose. All true robot sticks smell strongly of outer space.

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You should note wrapping a stick in bacon to imitate the smell of outer space is an offence and carries a fine of one million Chimeric Drachmas.

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Should you wish to establish whether your bacon is alien or not you should report it to the Ministry for Verification’s Alien Bacon Unit.

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The Ministry will dispatch a human to your location to conduct the Fork Test. True alien bacon will yelp the chorus of a single from the 1970s.

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All alien bacon will be impounded and must be deposited in the Alien Bacon Box. Do not place alien bacon in the Stick Box.

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Please note our human agents are not legally required to tell you whether they have brought the Alien Bacon Box or the Stick Box.

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This is for your protection. Should you wish to know which box they’ve brought you should contact the Ministry for Verification’s Box Unit.

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The Ministry will extend a very long stick from the Ministry to wherever you are and tap a code on the side of the box causing it to sing.

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Please do not listen to the song of the box unless you are a robot. The human will fit Dried Dropping Earmuffs. This is for your protection.

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Should you have forgotten whether or not you are a robot, place a fingernail on your heart. It should be able to detect the grooves of the single.

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In this eventuality you may remove the earmuffs. It will be the same song. It will all be the same song. Climb into the box for collection.

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