The Haunted House

Please sign the Ghost Book when visiting the Haunted House so the ghosts know you’re here and can avoid you like the plague.

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Unlike you, several of our resident phantoms remember not only the plague but their own unfortunate inability to avoid it.

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We keep three species of ghosts in the Haunted House: mythic, legendary, and fictitious. Please don’t tell the fictitious ghosts they’re not real.

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In certain chambers the density of spirits is like walking through aspic. As they occupy different historic periods the ghosts don’t notice.

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The ghosts know exactly who you’ve come in the hope of meeting. It’s just they’ve no idea whatsoever which one of them this actually is…

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For a small fee the Director of the Haunted House will arrange a line-up of the usual suspended entities to see if you can identify yours.

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Somewhere in the Haunted House, the spirit you want to see more than anyone is desperately trying to remember you – as are all the others.

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The fee must be poured into a shallow trench. Like many before, you wonder why you never thought to bring a trowel. It takes it out of you.

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Nobody wants to discover that, not only are they a ghost, but they’re only a ghost in a story. That’s why ghosts are terrified of writers.

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The Director drinks your fee. Its eyes roll back as the proboscis retracts. Without looking at you it says, ‘The spirit you want is not real.’

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The ghost looks into the mirror but can’t see itself. If it were a ghost mirror, the ghost reflects, would it see itself as alive once more?

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Inside the mirror, the ghost’s ghost waves to the ghost to join it on the other side of the other side. The ghost thinks, ‘Why am I waving?’

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The ghost looks into the mirror but can’t see itself. If it were a real ghost, it wonders, would it appear in the glass or not?

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Inside the Haunted House filling it almost exactly is the ghost of a house.

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