Imaginary Friend Advices/The House of Weeping

‘Always check if the pavement is frozen before you choose to lick it.’

*

The Orphanage for Imaginary Friends AKA ‘The House Of Weeping’ is an invisible building hovering six feet above the ground in most city squares.

*

‘If you wake up with a defrosting chicken on your foot then you have had more than your RDA of alcoholic beverages.’

*

Lanky chaps often strike their foreheads off the doorstep of the invisible levitating Orphanage, giving rise to momentary glassy titterings.

*

‘Pea aubergines are not aubergines that someone has ingeniously hollowed out, then peed into.’

*

Those who long ago spurned their imaginary friends gather in squares and piazzas to listen to weepings and whisperings from the Orphanage.

*

‘There’s no such thing as a “margarine of error” and so no point in establishing if it’s better for you than butter.’

*

They hope to recognise one voice among the sussurating pandemonium just above their grey or balding heads, one echo of their old beloved daimon.

*

‘If Chekhov’s “loaded gun” hasn’t been produced by the end of Act One, that is no reason to discharge one of your own.’

*

No-one else can hear the voices from the Orphanage of Imaginary Friends. They stomp across the square, heads down, glaring at the listeners.

*

‘Even if it could be proved that comets are cheeseballs, the cost of probes to mine Alien Cheese would be prohibitive.’

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Desperate to be reunited with their long lost pals, the Imaginary Friends have long since tempered their advices: they try for ‘sensible’…

*

‘You can run fast, jump in the air, close your eyes, and start to pedal, but you will not therefore be riding a flying bicycle.’

*

The Director of the Orphanage approaches, and all the Friends fall silent. The listeners cower as with one enormous step he enters the building and vanishes.

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