Umbrella Narwhal

Guitarwhal

No, it’s not an Umbrella Narwhal – we told you they were rare.

 

 

Rare sighting of the Umbrella Narwhal in Chimeric Sound. Reared up among the broken ice, opened its brolly, and twirled for a minute or so.

*

It is believed the umbrella is flexible baleen, adapted to absorb light. Certainly the Umbrella Narwhal has more Vitamin D than other cetaceans.

*

The Umbrella Narwhal’s also known as the Gene Kellyfish. Its ability to detect rain means that fishermen often head for port on sighting it.

*

Submariners often hear the distinctive song of the Umbrella Narwhal from hundreds of leagues away: ‘Dum tadum dumta tata dum tadum dumta…’

*

Ped-ants infesting the Ministry for Corrections insist that the Umbrella Narwhal should be called the Parasol Narwhal, but no-one listens.

*

Occasionally an Umbrella Narwhal will be caught in a storm with its brolly unfurled, and dragged hundreds of miles through the upper air.

*

History reports scores of instances of Umbrella Narwhals descending harmlessly by umbrella, or crashing to the ground, crushing vehicles.

*

The ancient Chimeric playwright Fossicles was famously skewered mid-speech by a descending narwhal whose umbrella had been blown to tatters.

*

Other narwhal subspecies such as the Telescopowhal have not been verified, and are believed to be yarns concocted by Barnacle Bill Backwards.

*

Any man who claims to have played a round of Ice Golf with a different narwhal for each club is, perhaps, not to be trusted.

*

‘Then there was the Spoon Narwhal: poured myself a coffee n realised I’d forgot the sugar on a 3 month voyage. Up it popped with a spoonful!’

*

‘Now yore Toothbrush Narwhal is mostly nocturnal: you smells a minty odeur on the midnight breeze, then the bristles gets to work on your hull…’

*

According to the ancients, a narwhal fell from the sky crushing a zebra and that’s how dead unicorns were born.

*

According to exactly the same ancients, a unicorn fell out of the sky cleaving a cetacean & that’s why narwhals are so freaked out.

*

Other narwhals that don’t exist: the Toffee Hammer Narwhal, the Dental Narwhal, the Peashooter Narwhal, the Conjoined Chopsticks Narwhals…

*

Nor is it true that, during a Xmas truce in the 1st Whale War, Peashooter Narwhals played blow football with Big Bad Arctic Wolves…

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s