Football Hotel: Special Trepanning Offer!

Topless football commentating now available with Chimeric Vision. See your favourite inarticulate managers & retired players without shirts!

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For topless football commentating pinch your right nipple now!

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Would you like your takeaway delivered by a real linesman with a flag and everything? Squeeze your left nipple to order now!

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Please note: our linesmen cannot affect offside decisions made on live matches while they are delivering your takeaway.

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7 lucky subscribers will be selected to stay in Chimeric Vision’s Football Hotel – made out of a real football! Rooms lined with chest hair!

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Because Football Hotel is the same size as a football, Chimeric Vision will miniaturise subscribers to fit them in – or grind em up good…

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Chimeric Vision is investing in Subbuteoization for subscribers, players, and bare-chested commentators alike: football’s getting smaller!

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Please note: you cannot receive Chimeric Vision via TV, PC or tablet. Our technicians will come round and drill the correct holes in yr head.

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If you don’t want holes drilled in your head, you may be interested in our Giraffe Neck Aerial, where we drill holes in a dead giraffe’s head.

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Whatever, Chimeric Vision technicians are operating drills in your area, and absolutely will not stop till we’re plumb out of giraffe necks.

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If you ain’t seen football from the POV of a dead giraffe while miniaturised shirtless oafs pontificate in squeaks, you ain’t seen football!

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WARNING: the side effects of Chimeric Vision may include headaches, nausea, blurred images of Heaven &/or Hell, dry brain, and roosting bats.

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If you experience cerebral leakage, collect the Thought Soup in a glass: it will keep in the fridge for up to a week, and makes a tasty snack!

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Remember: you need a licence to watch sport on Chimeric Vision, even if it isn’t sport, just random images of demons grinding up beetles…

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