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words – Kevin Reid
image – Sonja Benskin Mesher

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Big Bill Backward’s True-Faced Western Tales, 2: The Foreskins of The Lord

‘Bought up all Christ’s foreskins on a whim when I made my first million,’ drawled Big Bill Backwards. ‘Turns out there’s yards of em…’

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‘Some of the older churches weren’t too keen to give their foreskins up, so I got the gang together one last time and we went a-lootin…’

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‘First time some of them priests’d seen the Golden Horde in a coupla centuries. They’d applaud the horsemanship as we rode into their eglise.’

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‘Stitched me all them foreskins together into a roomy yurt or coracle dependin which way up you was. Sat there with Rumi n Hassan ruminatin.’

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‘Organised all my yoghurt jars in that yurt with inscriptions in ogham. Had a lot of Vikings in the Horde back then – loved their yaourti!’

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‘They was all that was left over from the Micklegrad Raid – most of them half-burnt from the Greek Fire. I said, “Boys, let’s hit Vinland!”‘

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‘Still don’t know how we fitted all them Vikings in the foreskin coracle, must’ve been miraculoso, but we set sail into one pissed-off storm…’

The Adventures of Doc Moreau & I, 6: Monsterclass Summer School

Netsukulele Kaiju

Doc Moreau is to lead another intrepid party of gullible narcissists to Monster Island for Monsterclass Summer School. Sign up here!

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Have you always felt Tokyo should be destroyed using your radioactive fiery breath, but were unsure how? Sign up now for Monsterclass!

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Learn car-stomping with our expert tutors. Also how to bite tube trains on overground routes. Study with the best monsters we can capture!

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Disclaimer: Monsterclass Summer School traditionally has a high casualty rate and students may sometimes not be large enough to destroy Tokyo.

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Doc Moreau has an excellent record in snaring monsters and compelling them to be ‘tutors’, but there are no refunds for limb loss or no-shows.

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Master your own deafening n terrifying screech with Doc Moreau’s Trusty Throat Implants, guaranteed three months rust-free in tropical conditions!

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At the end of Monsterclass Summer School, we promise you our rental helicopter will spend at least an hour circling and looking for survivors.

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If, when Monsterclass Summer School is over, you find supernumerary limbs attached to your torso, we will remove them for a small fee.

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Hurry to the slimy basalt pier, carved with hideous glyphs, where Barnacle Bill Backward’s motor launch awaits to take you to Monster Island!

. laurel .

resting on one a while.

very early here, news came, so
now we lay a while, to hope
it will alleviate the gloom from
those who have no manners, no
style and niceties. i will draw on
the experience, while others
bomb empty houses.

it is a gold award for drawing.

moon boats.

‘ i did not wish to die, my son’

sbm.

i did not want to die, my son