words – Kevin Reid
image – Sonja Benskin Mesher
‘Bought up all Christ’s foreskins on a whim when I made my first million,’ drawled Big Bill Backwards. ‘Turns out there’s yards of em…’
‘Some of the older churches weren’t too keen to give their foreskins up, so I got the gang together one last time and we went a-lootin…’
‘First time some of them priests’d seen the Golden Horde in a coupla centuries. They’d applaud the horsemanship as we rode into their eglise.’
‘Stitched me all them foreskins together into a roomy yurt or coracle dependin which way up you was. Sat there with Rumi n Hassan ruminatin.’
‘Organised all my yoghurt jars in that yurt with inscriptions in ogham. Had a lot of Vikings in the Horde back then – loved their yaourti!’
‘They was all that was left over from the Micklegrad Raid – most of them half-burnt from the Greek Fire. I said, “Boys, let’s hit Vinland!”‘
‘Still don’t know how we fitted all them Vikings in the foreskin coracle, must’ve been miraculoso, but we set sail into one pissed-off storm…’
Doc Moreau is to lead another intrepid party of gullible narcissists to Monster Island for Monsterclass Summer School. Sign up here!
Have you always felt Tokyo should be destroyed using your radioactive fiery breath, but were unsure how? Sign up now for Monsterclass!
Learn car-stomping with our expert tutors. Also how to bite tube trains on overground routes. Study with the best monsters we can capture!
Disclaimer: Monsterclass Summer School traditionally has a high casualty rate and students may sometimes not be large enough to destroy Tokyo.
Doc Moreau has an excellent record in snaring monsters and compelling them to be ‘tutors’, but there are no refunds for limb loss or no-shows.
Master your own deafening n terrifying screech with Doc Moreau’s Trusty Throat Implants, guaranteed three months rust-free in tropical conditions!
At the end of Monsterclass Summer School, we promise you our rental helicopter will spend at least an hour circling and looking for survivors.
If, when Monsterclass Summer School is over, you find supernumerary limbs attached to your torso, we will remove them for a small fee.
Hurry to the slimy basalt pier, carved with hideous glyphs, where Barnacle Bill Backward’s motor launch awaits to take you to Monster Island!
resting on one a while.
very early here, news came, so
now we lay a while, to hope
it will alleviate the gloom from
those who have no manners, no
style and niceties. i will draw on
the experience, while others
bomb empty houses.
it is a gold award for drawing.
‘ i did not wish to die, my son’