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GERMANIA: INCIDENTS FROM THE LIFE OF FRAU DIETZ

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It being a dull Sunday Frau Dietz knitted herself an entire dinner set. By Monday the news was out. By Tuesday it meant nothing.

*

The children in Frau Dietz’s nursery arrived one morning having grown horns overnight. Nor was their singing up to scratch.

*

Frau Dietz had six fingers on either hand, each more beautiful than the last. She fed the swans in the park & giggled like a child.

*

When Frau Dietz lost her purse she set fire to her husband. On leaving the house she found a burning purse on the doorstep.

*

Keep perfectly still, whispered Frau Dietz. It’s only a small orange but it’s still an orange.

*

When the tram stopped Frau Dietz rose from her seat and hovered in the air to enthusiastic applause for a full ten seconds.

*

The talents of Frau Dietz included mind-reading. She could read her children’s minds before they were conceived so remained childless.

*

Frau Dietz kept two tiny seamstresses in her handbag in case of snitches, rips, and general wardrobe malfunctions. They also sang on cue.

*

Frau Dietz glided round the skating rink with her hat on fire. Her admirers followed her at a respectful distance, their eyes downcast.

*

Frau Dietz was at her window when a crystal chandelier shattered in the road. The weather forecast had said nothing about this..

GERMANIA: THECRIMINAL MIND

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Having purchased the acid, Herr Meier heaved a sigh of relief. But then a terrible thought occurred to him. It was Tuesday, his bridge night.

*

People trusted Herr Pohl, & elected him to the local council. The three corpses in his bathroom were forgivable. At least he could count.

*

The case of Frau Horst was referred to an expert witness, her local hairdresser, who produced the missing nose from her purse and confessed.

*

Frau Holle’s teeth were much prized. Being public-spirited she broke one & offered it to the mayor who slyly slipped it into his pocket.

*

Surprised in the changing rooms of her local swimming pool Fraulein Winkler beat the intruder to death with his own erection.

*

In the 15th book of the prophet, Doctor Blei continued, we find the injunction against wheels, which we must not take entirely seriously.

*

He turned the eyeball over and over in his hand. Fraulein Gerda, he declared. We have good news for you. You may take your glove off now.

*

Will you be mine, Fraulein Klein? Hans begged her. She caught him a left uppercut which temporarily deprived him of hope.

*

No one drinks Hangman’s Blood in Munich now, said Dr Fussli. The world is changing, not, I fear, for the better.

*

When young Wolfgang noticed he was growing pointed ears he decided to stop listening and cultivated his teeth instead.

. included in the price .

as artists we go free,
yet included in the fee,
are coconuts and wrestling.

we travelled the path
again, he swarm followed
in revery.

the heron flew over.

while all the while we
danced and capered,
costumed and bustled,
women dressed as men,
men the women.

he held her on his knee
tenderly.

sigh on sigh,
they are in love,
them so beautiful,
down in the forest.

he held her on his knee
tenderly.

not bitten.

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. the forest .

warm, a sudden breeze.

as you like it.

from the valleys they came,
to act, entertain, travelling
troupe.

eye to eye, interaction, plenty
of action, and oh,
the costumes all pretty
in that green place,
with a hey
and a ho.

birds sang, ants crept.

we laughed, sang, danced the lane
forgetting the path.

it was, as we
like it.

sbm.

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