The Presidents Spoke

“‘Tis better to loathe lugubrious Lotharios than laugh at the Night Hag wheezing her fag.”
—Theodore Roosevelt

“On thee the jest, on thee the plague, on thee the mad mutterings malevolently mouthed by Maenads.”
—Millard Fillmore

“Pollyannaisms have their place when saying Grace but polymorphisms suit me better.”
—Zachary Taylor

“Bilious barnacles and mardy mussels congress like leeches.”
—Rutherford B. Hayes

“Maroons! They’re all maroons! They do’nt know what in the fucking Hell they are doing!”
—Franklin D. Roosevelt

“Rest thee sweetly, Dear Amour; remember this when ashore: ’tis but you I adore of all the other tarts and whores.”
—Calvin Coolidge

“Ye Beware! for the results of infection! by ironic intention beget the imp of revisioned reflection!”
—Martin Van Buren

“My prodigious fondness for peaches-Perhaps-results from my great abhorrence of umbrella stands and spoons.”
—Franklin Pierce

“For every Icarus that would fly, fly not with iron wings; for every Poet who would speak, speak not.”
—Ulysses S. Grant

“I should like to quote, in response to these accusations, my learnèd colleague and friend, Senator Stitch: ‘Stupid heads.'”
—James Monroe

“Of course, all devils and angels are hermaphrodites.”
—William Henry Harrison

“That a man should prefer Incubus visitations clothes him differently.”
—Andrew Jackson

“When discourse ’tis by an idiot written, and by the Gullibles read, Nations change.”
—Dwight D. Eisenhower

“I am likened unto a drover steering this Great Ship of State.”
—John Quincy Adams

“The crustaceans in mauves and maes went scrumbly-tumbly hillsides down set done and lived happily after ever.”
—James Buchanan

“My wit is faster than a speeding locomotive.”
—Warren G. Harding

“We shall cross the enjambments of Tyranny!”
—James Madison

“My life is a palimpsest writ o’er by sorrows and woes, mirth and merry, sadness and foes.”
—William McKinley

“They be not iron bells. Hear them! I listen, for, singing as the sirens on shores of Time, the Belles of Majesty doth woo me, contentedly and solace’d, on.”
—Woodrow Wilson

“I would rather have arsenic-butter’d toast than to be seen in the company of that Wee Willie Winkle fellow.”
—Grover Cleveland

“Trolloping tars on trolleys be the Exemplars of Society’s grandest fits in flights of Follies.”
—James K. Polk

“‘Tis presentiment I most dread.”
—Calvin Coolidge

“Let us retire. The mould’ring pestilent ghosts of Captains of Industry, from two-hundred years hence, approacheth.”
—Thomas Jefferson

“The Historian’s tragedy is they can foretell the future from having studied all reoccurrences of the Past.”
—Abraham Lincoln

“Jack-a-napes, Nabobs and Ilks are we.”
—Chester A. Arthur

“We are treading on a dead-end street.”
—Andrew Johnson

“I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling crones.”
—George Washington

“In loo of Prosperity, we have this.”
—Herbert Hoover

“That I should suffer profound thoughts of the never ending battle for Truth, Justice, and Valentine lips!”
—Benjamin Harrison

“I often play Solitaire with Tarot cards.”
—William Howard Taft

“Roosevelt’s Bullwinkle Moose Party was ahead of its time.”
—Harry S. Truman

“If ever comes a time, as all things in life are wont to do, remember this, that Euphoria begins with you.”
—John Tyler

“Peepshows are fleeting; sideshows we curse but, all things considered, Life could be worse.”
—James A. Garfield

[Note: After 20 January 1961, there were’nt any worth mentioning (excepting Lyndon B. Johnson, “Thou canst not speak of that thou dost not have a fucking clue.”).]


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