Murder Bear Variations

(A collaboration with Imogen Forster, James Knight, Susie Maguire, and Judi Sutherland.)


Mordor Bear isn’t a real bear. It’s a laboured description of an imaginary ursine animal in a book in too many parts.


Mirrored Bear is a bear that only appears behind you in mirrors and when you look round he’s not there but you don’t have a head.


Mulder Bear was in a sci-fi TV series in the 90s but was secretly disdainful of it and often went AWOL during filming for a shit.


Merder Bear wouldn’t confine his business to the wood. He shat anywhere in France and once, due to a misunderstanding, in Liverpool.


MoreThan Bear offers competitive car and home insurance quotes, but sometimes finds himself mauling his customers.


MoreTan Bear suffers from an addiction to St Tropez articifial tanning liquids, and leaves orange tide marks in forests.


Murther Bear was a bit of a thesp and would insist on offing his victims in a Shakespearean stylee: ‘From the nave to the chaps, chaps!’


Merthyr Tydfil Bear confined his clawings to early Welsh Christian martyrs.


Vulcan Mind-Melder Bear induces telepathic union by scooping people’s brains out and putting them in the blender.


But it’s all OK because Mender Bear has a needle and thread.


(Although that’s how we got Frankenbear, which as an experiment has not been an unambiguous success.)


Meanwhile, Minderbinder Bear invades fictions and substitutes himself for one of their characters, causing no end of trouble…


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