Mr Soth: a Dialogue


‘Why won’t you caddy for Mr Soth?’

‘He hasn’t got a face.’

‘He’s got a sort of face.’

‘It’s a greyish hole with a tentacle coming out and the tentacle doesn’t even do anything and it’s like 7 foot long.’

‘He used to putt with it, but it got injured in the war.’

‘Which war was this?’

‘The First War.’

‘That would make him like 100 years old!’

‘Not that First War, the First War.’

‘Yeah, well I’m not caddying for him. To understand what he’s saying you’ve got to put the end of his tentacle to your ear.’

‘You’d put a phone to your ear.’

‘Hairs don’t come out of my phone & wriggle round in my ear.’

‘Not with these new ones, no.’

‘He’s a fine golfer, though.’

‘Aye, he has an uncanny eye for the lie of the green.’

‘Given the lack of eyes.’


‘It’s like he can will the ball in the hole.’


‘It’s like he’s willing us to drive this golf-kart off the cliff.’



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